Jul 01 2010

20 Reasons Why The A-Team Absolutely Sucked

Published by at 2:50 pm under Movies,Reviews

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There are tons of crappy movies out there, but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen one as terrible as The A-Team.  My esteemed colleague Mr. Tassi didn’t think it was so bad, but this is one of those times where we really disagree.  I wasn’t expecting much at all from The A-Team; I was really just hoping for a fun action flick that didn’t take itself too seriously.  Apparently, that was too much to ask.  I don’t care whether or not there were inconsistencies with regard to the canon established by the television show – The A-Team was a flat-out horrible movie with no redeemable qualities whatsoever.  It’s even all the more pathetic when you consider that the casting was pretty damn good.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been so turned off by a movie, and only once before have a complained and whined in this type of post.

Below, you can read 20 reasons why The A-Team totally sucked.  Of course, there will be spoilers.  And yeah, I know, I’m a big baby who can’t turn his brain off and enjoy a fun action movie.  Whatever.

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1. The dialogue.  There was nothing clever or funny about any of the dialogue.  It was atrocious throughout the entire movie; I couldn’t believe some of the things these actors were forced to say.  The most egregious offense?  Probably when Face said to Sosa, without even the slightest hint of irony, “God, I forgot how beautiful you are.”  Balls.

2.  The cliched villain’s monologue.  Of course, toward the end of the movie when Pike has a gun pointed at a helpless Face, he can’t just shoot him.  Nope, he’s got to ramble on like a moron so that B.A. can swoop in and save the day at the last minute.  This type of thing has become so cliche that it’s actually been referenced in dozens of movies.  Apparently writer Joe Carnahan hasn’t seen any of them.

3.  Pike couldn’t hit B.A. with a machine gun, but had no problem shooting a cable.  Amazing, right?  B.A. is dropping down the side of a building, and Pike unloads round after round of machine gun fire at what I think we can all say is a pretty large target.  Unable to make the shot, he instead fires at – and instantly hits! – a thin wire cable holding up a scaffold.  So is he a crack shot or isn’t he?  I guess it depends on the situation.

4.  Face encased in tires and rolling down a hill.  Hilarious.  I had to check my ticket stub and make sure I wasn’t in The Hangover 2.

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5.  Physics be damned.  Look, I know that in these type of stupid action movies, you can’t get too wrapped up in what is physically plausible.  I get that.  But I can’t buy for one second that firing a tank’s cannon while it is dropping from the sky is going to somehow soften the blow when it crashes into the ocean.  The tank’s velocity isn’t constant – it’s accelerating due to the force of gravity – and any recoil from firing the canon is going to be minuscule compared to the tank’s velocity upon impact.  This wasn’t an action movie, it was a damn Roadrunner cartoon.

What’s even worse is that at the end of the movie, when the A-Team is apprehended for breaking out of prison, Hannibal states that even though they were framed, “breaking out of prison is still a crime.”  Oh, thanks – I guess the budget wasn’t big enough for both a legal and a physics consult.

6.  Let the dogs eat him.  Really?  I know bad guys are supposed to be stupid, but Jesus Christ.  In the beginning of the movie, they can’t use their own guns to kill Hannibal and Hannibal’s gun won’t work.  Why not just cut his throat?  Set him on fire?  Suffocate him?  Nah, just let a couple dogs out and walk away.  Assume he’ll die and everything will go smoothly.  Good plan.

7.  Speaking of dogs, was B.A. one?  Because half the movie was spent trying to coax him into doing things by offering him treats.  Murdock was batsh*t insane and wayyy more of a potential liability than B.A., but you didn’t see Face and Hannibal bribing him with sweets.  Honestly, you could have replaced B.A. with a rottweiler and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

8. The crematorium.  This was one of many stupid plans throughout the movie.  Either Hannibal was faking being dead to escape prison or he was drugged so that he appeared dead.  Fine.  But if he was faking, why wait until the last possible second to spring up and emerge from the crematorium.  For crying out loud, the friggin’ fire had started before he jumped up.  And if he was drugged, well, that’s pretty damn convenient to wake up right when the flames are ignited.  Faking or drugged?  Who cares – it’s stupid either way.

Also, that’s a pretty quick turnaround time for cremation, no?  Aren’t there some forms to fill out or something?  Maybe, I dunno, HAVE A DOCTOR TAKE HIS PULSE AND PRONOUNCE HIM DEAD?

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9.  Spoon feeding.  Remember toward the end when Face was shuffling those big cargo crates?  Did it remind you of how he was shuffling those red cups when explaining his plan?  Because if it didn’t, the movie was considerate enough to actually flash back to Face shuffling those red cups during the shuffling of the crates.  Look, if you’re not smart enough to make that connection without being reminded, you probably shouldn’t be allowed in public.  Just a total lack of respect by the movie for its audience.

10.  That amazing trick at the end!  Honestly, did any of you, even for one second, not think that Sosa slipped Face a key when kissing him at the end?  It wouldn’t be so bad if the movie didn’t think this was the most clever thing in the world.  Like I was expected to fall out of my seat with disbelief as Face dramatically pulled the key out of his douchebag mouth.

11. Inconsistent Lynch.  No, I’m not talking about John Hamm’s cameo at the end.  I’m talking about how at first, Lynch seems like just some CIA dude, kind of dickish, nothign too bad.  But later, he’s all of a sudden the biggest a-hole on the planet, singing his lines and treating everyone around him like sh*t.  Uh, when did this switch happen?  There were times in the first half of the movie where he clearly didn’t need to maintain his front, so where was the douchebaggery then?

Ugh, I’m asking for consistency in characters in an A-Team movie.  I deserve to be punished.

12.  The action sucked.  If the action was good, I’d be willing to overlook all the horrible writing, dialogue, plot holes, etc.  After all, this is supposed to be a fun action flick.  But it’s not.  The action is awful.  Sorry, but Bradley Cooper hanging on a crane against an obvious green screen while poorly animated cargo crates drop from a sh*tty CGI ship doesn’t cut it in 2010.  It was worse than underwhelming – it was boring.

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13.  Photo booths are soundproof.  When Face handcuffs Sosa inside the photo booth -which is located in a pretty high-traffic area – they’re fighting and struggling and she’s pretty loud.  It would be impossible not to notice.  But since the curtain was closed, I guess nobody did, and security was never alerted, and no Good Samaritans stuck their heads in to investigate.  Good thing, too, otherwise we never would have gotten the cheesiest line I have heard in years (see #1 above).

14.  The 3-D movie escape plan.  The chances of the hummer actually busting through the wall at the exact second the on-screen hummer…you know what, forget it.  Just chalk it up to another great plan coming together.

15.  How does a silencer work?  Really?  Lynch is ready to deceive the United States military and his right-hand man doesn’t know how to screw on a silencer (or suppressor)?  Was every villain in this movie supposed to be missing a chromosome?

16.  Quoting Gandhi to justify violence.  Absurd.

17.  You shot me and hijacked my van.  Oh, but you’re an Army Ranger, too.  Cool.  Nice to meet you.

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18.  Exposing Lynch at the end.  Who set up the crane to lift the crate in which Lynch was standing?  Wasn’t everything destroyed and shot all to hell?  And what timing, what with everyone gathered around and Lynch in the middle of his self-incriminating little monologue.  Good lord is Face a good planner.

There is not one “plan” in this entire movie that would not have resulted in at least half the A-Team members getting killed within one minute of its execution.

19.  General Morrison’s beard.  Yeah, this is nitpicky, but if you go a span of six months without shaving, you get a pretty thick beard.  You don’t, however, look like Osama bin Santa Claus.

20.  It’s just another hastily thrown-together pile of crap to tug on the strings of nostalgia and make some dough.  That’s it.  There was nothing fun about this movie, which I am convinced was conceived as a bunch of actions scenes that would later be tied together by a stupid, formulaic story.  From a marketing standpoint, the most important thing about this movie was the casting.  Once that was in place, it was just another case of cranking out a script, filming it, and putting it out there to assault the senses of the masses.

Even I’m surprised at how bitter and jaded I sound, trust me, but there really was not one single redeemable thing about the complete and utter abortion that was The A-Team. It’s amazing that even going into some movies with zero expectations I can still be disappointed.





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63 responses so far

  • KC

    lol – you say the movie has no redeemable qualities. I’d say the same of this review. The movie was great – bottom line.

  • Icecream

    Haven’t seen this yet, don’t think i will. I’ve given up on summer blockbusters (ironically its one of the coldest winters on record where i am), i actually can’t remember the last good action movie i’ve seen . . . The Dark knight? And i still have massive gripes with Christian Bale’s ideas on vocal deception as batman . . .

  • KC

    …continuing, you probably like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry too right? And would choose that music over, say, Led Zeppelin? Readers, take note…

  • Madison

    @ KC

    What did you like about it?

    And I’m not sure what you’re getting at with your music examples. At all. The mindless pop shit you list is way more in line with The A-Team than something substantive like LZ.

  • Madison

    Also, I’ll call it now – no one will actually be able to defend this movie, but instead, they’ll insult me, my writing, this website, or all three.

    Par for the course.

  • floppytall

    @ Madison
    I stumbled across one of your articles a while back and have enjoyed every one since particularly your interaction in the comments. I’m usually right in line with you but I have to respectfully disagree with you on a few fronts. I didn’t love the movie by any means but it wasn’t utter crap to me either (3 starred it on Netflix). I enjoyed it but will probably never watch it again. There was quite a bit of silly dialogue, absurd action scenes and cliches flying left and right but to me they seemed to be fully acknowledged and played directly as such. Take for example Pike’s monologue/ rant that pestered you so much. To me that seemed to be a homage to the era the original A-Team took place. The same era that we saw James Bond, on numerous accounts, suffer similar monologues while tied to some death contraption and then be left unattended to suffer a perilous fate when we all were screaming “Just shoot him in the effin head!”. The flying/falling tank scene that you have a problem with is understandable. Even though I’m not a physicist with a deep knowledge of the interactions of water and falling objects I took it as semi plausible. The only thing I can throw at you for shooting the water is something I’ve heard secondhand so take this as you will. Striking a flat, perfectly calm body of water is like hitting a brick wall while disrupting it (dropping a rock, grenade, tank shell, etc.) introduces air into the equation which softens the water. Whether or not that is actually true or not I have no clue but I bought it. I could go on but this post is already way way way too long.

  • Madison

    @ floppytall

    Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

    I disagree (obviously), but mostly in the sense that the tone of the movie wasn’t that of homage, irony, or silly self-awareness. Maybe I missed that, but if it’s something I couldn’t pick up on, that’s probably on the director, not me. I honestly don’t think the movie was shooting to be a “B-movie.” For a perfect example of that, see Slither.

    As for the tank thing, you don’t need to be a physicist to know that even if the tank shot the water and displaced it, underneath that is…more water. That would act like concrete.

    To be honest, the tank thing doesn’t even bother me that much. It was a stupid, half-baked idea for an action sequence, but I can see how some people would find that fun. For me, the real problem with the movie is that it was boring and horribly written.

    Thanks for reading.

  • floppytall

    @ Madison
    I did find my self trying to justify the tank scene in my head while watching it using the displacement theory. I could see working for something small like a person up to a certain height but I kept coming back to the fact it was a tank falling from an extreme altitude and what if the lake was only 30 feet deep? I did all this in parallels; I take the movie for what it is and leave it at that and ponder the real life implications completely separate. I see movies as existing on a completely different plane than what I would expect in real life. I wouldn’t say I check my brain at the door, that’s a horrible way to watch anything, I just evaluate variables presented to me in a movie in a real world setting but never apply what I think to the movie. Very odd, i know.

    Slither was very tongue-in-cheek and enjoyable. I’m biased towards anything with Nathan Fillion though.

  • Madison

    @ floppytall

    That’s a good approach for movies like this, I guess.

    Anyway, totally with you on Fillion. Once of my absolute favorites. Was pretty bummed he didn’t get the Green Lantern role.

  • http://www.unrealitymag.com Paul Tassi

    Interesting, of all the movies to elicit such a strong reaction from you, I just thought A-Team was too harmless to do so. Guess I was wrong.

    Most of your complaints seem to stem from the movie being unrealistic, such as “this action sequence could never happen, this plan would never work, or someone would never talk like that.” I actually thought it was refreshing to see an action movie throw ALL pretense of reality out the window, and the A-Team was the closest thing to a cartoon-live action film I think I’ve ever seen. You might see that as a negative, but I think it’s a positive, and it goes so over the top that it actual works. I loved that 3D Hummer scene for example.

    I hate when people tell me that I was “taking a movie too seriously” (like they do with the Transformers series), but that might seem like an accurate statement here. I’d say about 12-15 of your points could be dismissed if you simply didn’t care about what was or was not “realistic” in the film.

    I liked the film because it was mindless, but not brainless, if that makes sense. I thought it flowed really well throughout, and there was hardly ever a lull in the action (I’m not sure how you could call it boring, it may be a lot of things, but that isn’t one of them), and I also really really dug the dynamic between the cast. Even throwaway characters like Lynch and Pike had some pretty decent lines I thought.

    I don’t know, we rarely disagree on movies Madison, and I’m not willing to die on the mountain saying A-Team is a masterpiece, but I thought it was far from wretched, and I actually believed it to be a worthwhile surprise by the end.

  • Madison

    @ Paul Tassi

    Well, here’s the thing – this is supposed to be a big, fun action movie, and it just wasn’t. At all. And that has very little to do with the stunts or action sequences being unrealistic. It had a lot more to do with atrocious dialogue and cliches.

    If there was any hint of self-awareness, you (all of you) would have a point. But there wasn’t. There was no wink to the audience, there was no sense of irony at any point. None. In fact, like I wrote above, the director and writers thought so little of their audience’s intelligence that they had to show a visual cue to remind them that the crate shuffling stemmed from the cup shuffling. How are you, as a movie-goer, not insulted by that?

    As far as this post goes, well, I can only say “the writing sucked and the action was stupid” so many times. 20 reasons is a nice way to vent, nitpick, and try to have some fun with this disaster of a movie.

  • http://xaotikdesigns.com adam

    #8 ifhe took the poison, he would have appeared dead. Checking his pulse would have been difficult. The real question is why go straight to cremation, where was the autopsy. Wouldn’t there have been investigations? Better, more realistic option would have been to have him sit up on the autopsy table.

    #15. The guys were supposed to be desk jockeys, not agents. They were bluffing their way through the whole thing. Not having some of the skills of a real field agent would be expected, especially if he is about to make his first cold blooded kill, but screwing on a suppressor is as simple as screwing anything together. If a guy cannot operate a screw, he shouldn’t even be in the CIA.

  • http://xaotikdesigns.com adam

    Also, regarding the tank shooting the water, the reason hitting water is like hitting a brick wall is surface tension. Once you are inthe water, you don’t have the same exact issue. Now, whether or not breaking the surface tension would keep the people in the tank alive and able toDRIVE THE TANK OUT OF THE LAKE, that is the real question…

  • Madison

    @ adam

    With regard to Hannibal’s “death,” that’s pretty much my point. You don’t chuck a body into the crematorium without determining the cause of death first. Or, at the least, verifying that the person is in fact dead.

  • http://tyhuze.wordpress.com Tyler

    If I think about it too much, yes, the movie was pretty bad but that doesn’t change the fact that I had fun with it.

    How did you feel about Sharlto Copley as Murdock? I was cracking up at most of his moments throughout the film which I think you could count as a redeemable quality.

  • Nike Melson

    Its just a movie you should really just relax

  • Madison

    @ Tyler

    I like Copley a lot; I did think the movie was well-cast. Was he funny? I guess. It’s weird, I thought his Blue Man Group joke was OK, but the mock-Braveheart speech…ugh.

  • Jbo

    Between Sharlto, explosions, the tank, Jessica Biel, dude that played Nite Owl, more explosions, Bradley Cooper and some explosions, this movie was great. If you were expecting it to be some psychologically fulfilling cinematic experience, you were wrong. Since I don’t feel like you ever thought that, I’m not understanding why it wasn’t liked: it was a good, summer movie with stuff exploding. Period. I didn’t go in expecting anything more and I didn’t leave thinking anything less, but I was entertained for 2 hours and I feel like I got what I paid for. Given the current state of movies, I couldn’t ask for more. I’d watch 17 more of these.

  • Jack

    It’s comment threads like these that keep me coming back to this site! Great discussion (which is hard to believe considering the topic)! This movie (along with GI Joe) pulled enough nostalgia strings to keep me entertained even with all the flaws (I could not argue with any point you made Madison). My problem with the movie was the entire opening sequence. We don’t need an origin story for these guys!! We got it every week during the TV series in the opening monologue before the credits. It was unnecessary and stupid (I couldn’t agree with reason #17 more)!

    Oh, and B.A. is a dog. . .an attack dog! Each guy has their role (in the original series), B.A. is the muscle, Murdock the crazy guy who could fly anything, Face was the pretty boy con-man, and Hannibal was the leader with the master plan. The movie did a pretty good job mirroring this in the second act, but it was when Cooper took over during the last act when I kind of got irked again.

    You where right in that this movie cannot be defended. In fact, even as I read over my post, I am not even sure why I enjoyed it other than for nostalgia reasons (see reason #20). But I did. . . so there! ; )

  • http://hbcupride.deco-printing.com medgecombe

    I got some chest hairs you nancyboys can borrow. When did men start analyzing action movies? I didn’t get that memo.

  • Tron

    @ Madison

    You say the reason this wasn’t a ‘big fun/mindless action movie’ was because (at least in part) the dialogue was awful.

    Now I haven’t seen it (didn’t look that great to me and i’m generally not a fan of ‘summer blockbuster/action flicks’ But have you SEEN an action movie from say… the 80′s (the heydey of action movies). THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE SENTENCE OF COMPELLING SPEECH.

    You really think they’d give a great soliliquy to van damme or schwarzenagger?

    The guys can barely speak english. the whole point of an action flick is basically so you can say ‘wow that explosion was really big, wow he punched that guy REALLY hard’

    If you’re looking for shakespere in the A-Team it aint gonna happen.

  • Madison

    @ Tron

    I dunno, man. I thought the dialogue in say, Die Hard, was pretty damn good, although that does set the bar rather high. What about the Beverly Hills Cop movies? Those are fun action-y movies with great dialogue.

    There was a lot more wrong with this movie than just the dialogue. The action, frankly, sucked. The final sequence was just awful and not at all exciting.

    Oh – full disclosure – I DID like when B.A. body slammed Pike. So there’s that – I found something I liked.

  • R.Starr

    in reply to number 5. didnt some dude prove a long time about that despite the weight of an object, it can fall no faster than another by dropping an apple and a stone or something off the leaning tower of piza? they would fall at the same rate, terminal velocity i think, which is something like 4.8 meters a second. i guess by that reasoning, the fastest the tank could fall would’ve been 4.8m/s and once its reached that speed, it remains constant.

    i think this arguement would be like the one with the freefalling elevator: if you were in one, and jumped at the right moment, before it hit ground, would could escape seemingly unharmed (no shattered leg bones).

    if you could create an opposite force, a force moving against gravity, at the right moment, you would be “neutral”. an explosion could provide this force; the tank’s missiles and the ground could provide the bang.

    can someone else confirm or deny this?

  • MoFoJames

    I should write a review “20 Reasons that True Blood sucks ass.” It’s people like you that can’t just enjoy a simple action movie not everything has to be real and gritty like Law and Order or The Dark Knight. Why not just take it for what it was. It was a summer action movie that was made to entertain. But you were probably to busy worrying about how Hillbilly bayou vampires are going to have sex or kill werewolves.

  • average joe

    completely wrong. quite possibly the only reboot in the past few years of something from my childhood that was watchable.

  • tb8367

    I can defend number three with hitting a moving target moving at the speed BA was going is near impossible from that distance, I guess the wire is stationary but would probably still be waving with east-west movement, but both shots are impossible with what I remember was a handgun(?).

    Outside of the tank scene, I actually thought the movie was good and I went in with low expectations. It’s a lot better than the other tv remakes (wild wild west, the avengers, get smart, inspector gadget, maverick, miami vice, mod squad, and the saint)

  • KC

    @ medgecombe – exactly. And Madison, I’m not going to waste breath trying to defend a movie you obviously spent quite a bit of time nitpicking against in your article. I’m not interested in changing your mind or “defending” it. But I do think some who haven’t seen the movie should at least know that everyone doesn’t feel as moved to hopeless disappointment as yourself. I enjoyed it, but I went into the theater with two and only two things in mind:

    1) it’s the g*ddamn A-Team – the only way it could be horrible is if they completely changed the story and/or its elements (i.e., Face is no longer a womanizer, B.A. now knows Jujitsu, etc.) – after all, the show was based on guys that could build crazy sh*t in the last 12 minutes of the show that would do everything to the bad guys except kill ‘em; and

    2) it’s a mental getaway – almost nothing in today’s Hollywood action movies is real or possible, so don’t expect physics to apply… this is just adolescent fun and nostalgia for us kids of the 80s

    And as a result of my going into the movie with those two thoughts in mind, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the action (despite it being over the top). I enjoyed the fun nature of it – very playful and not at all taking itself seriously. I’m thinking you went in with cynicism, and apparently you carried it back out with you. (If you want mental stimulation, I think going to the movies is not the best idea.)

  • Madison

    @ MoFoJames

    Look man, From Dusk Till Dawn is one of my favorite movies ever. It’s stupid and mindless but at least it knows that it is. It doesn’t insult its audience. So no, not everything has to be gritty and dark and taken seriously. I like a lot of silly movies that are made to entertain. This one wasn’t entertaining.

    I mean, you really enjoyed those action sequences? The fights weren’t good, the CGI was so poor…

    And good job making my prediction come true – instead of using substantive reasons to defend this movie, you insult my tastes and one of the columns I write on this site. Ad hominem attacks are the last resort of someone who’s run out of things to say.

    But thanks for reading anyway.

    @ KC

    I went in very open-minded, actually, and I thought I’d like this movie because the casting was terrific. I love Copley and I’ve been a fan of Rampage ever since he broke into UFC. So no, I didn’t go in cynical, I went in with zero expectations and was still somehow disappointed. It’s a hastily made, forgettable action movie. It that’s your idea of entertainment, great, but it’s not for me.

  • Madison

    @ all

    I think you guys are getting too hung up on the physics of the stunts and whatnot. That’s not why I hated this movie. I hated it because all it was was mindless action, and the action wasn’t impressive at all. It was boring and stale. If that’s the case, at least have some witty banter or clever story to prop up the rest of the movie, but The A-Team failed at that, too. There’s nothing to like about this movie, sorry. For a big summer action blockbuster, the action was pretty lackluster.

  • Mario

    It’s the A-Team, what were you expecting? remember the series?

    the movie rocked, it was really really fun. I forgot how it was to enjoy an action movie thanks to Robin Hood, and that Bruce Willis movie where he’s a clone going all seriopus with a B movie plot. A-Team didn’t elevate itself to drama, it was a pitch perfect action/comedy/stupid fun/gunt totting movie, and left me with a huge smile on my face.

  • Madison

    @ Mario

    I disagree, but it seems as though a lot of people really liked The A-Team. It’s my loss, I guess…I think it’s best if I just skip these types of movies in the future.

  • Thomas

    i heard it was good

  • Tron

    @ Madison

    ok this is a LONG time in replying (haven’t checked email lately lol). But about the dialogue thing. I’m not saying action movies cannot have good lines etc. I’m just saying in general the writers/casting people/directors etc. aren’t looking for award winning speeches in an action flick.

    I’d say in general action flicks are well.. about action and not the speaking parts that happen before and after the big explosions :P

    Anyways it’s all good. Not defending the A-team anyways cuz it looked pretty lousy in previews.

  • Legion

    I honestly can’t understand how you use physics inaccuracies as a way to put down a ridiculously over the top action movie. Sure the dialogue was crap, but you shouldn’t have expected anything more than what you got.

    I agree, it was a bad movie, but I enjoyed it regardless. I think you’re just being too harsh on it, especially when it comes to the plans and the physics. Those things are to be ignored in this type of film.

  • Madison

    @ Tron

    Well, sure. But I wasn’t expecting that. I just wanted it to be passable.

    Overall, no, it wasn’t that terrible, but some of the lines were totally cringe-worthy.

    I’m over it at this point.

  • PetE

    oh this movie was crap. I hate watching inconsistencies relative to our military. BA, thrown out DH as a CPL then goes to a court-martial as a senior NCO (SFC) and a mo-hawk. You go before a CM, hair be damned, it comes off and regulation stands in. All the A-goons had something terribly wrong with the wear and appearance of their uniforms. At least hire someone to consult these idiots. And OMG, you have a tattoo of your Ranger outfit on your arm, in the same arm I shot you and now we buddies—oh for crying out loud–BULL SHIT!!! Now lets go save FACE so I can get u back to our camp.

    And the effing references to MEXICO. Their only mission together was beaten to death with “Remember Mexico?”. It clearly would have worked better if they kept the van and their history as wrongly convicted Vietnam soldiers.

    Back to the military issues–I get there’s supposed to be small errors in the uniform per old rumors related to Active Duty actors. But this was so ridiculous, it made for a difficult time giving a shit about anyone. And if I every break a law, send me to FACE’s prison.

    This movie was made quickly with a stellar cast and shitty directors. That boils down to 2 pairs in the game of poker. Hardly a winning hand.

    THIS MOVIE SUCKED ASS!!!!

  • KoolKiller

    It was fun as hell so shut up.

  • http://www.twitter.com/wallymiyim wallymiyim

    Who gives a shit?

  • shell

    is anyone even old enough to remember the real a team! in that case think back to the tv show. come on!
    “BA i need an armered tank and we have an ice cream van and some mangos what can you do!” The show was tongue in cheek and i like the film did a good job of carrying on that feeling.
    this kind of action film is never going to please everyone but that is not reason to write if off.

  • Bob

    It must be hell for you to watch a cartoon or animated show. Really, if all movies where reality, we would just watch people like you sitting around whining about their lives. Here’s you a hint next time you watch a movie. Google the gun there using (I doubt you know anything about guns) and see how many bullets it can hold. Add one for the barrel, then start counting how many they shoot. You’ll really start hating all the movies then. Hope this helps you with your whining in the future.

    • Madison

      @ Bob

      Thanks for the tip. And the awesome grammar.

      And really, a gun having a too few bullets isn’t really on the same plane as, say, a tank propelling itself through the air with its cannon, and then cushioning its fall to the sea by firing straight down.

  • Munch

    $100,000,000 down the toilet. At least this review made it all worthwhile, it was highly entertaining. From reading some of the comments it’s clear to see that some people really loved playing with their action figures, and probably still do.

    Don’t forget the lube, eh.

  • Chris

    Wow. You, sir, are a douchebag. This was a great movie, action packed and funny. Get a life, moron.

    • Madison

      Name-calling is a great way to make your point.

      Thanks for reading!

      xoxo

      Madison ;P

  • Dick

    Ok So I have read this post and the writer needs to understand the A-team because there were obviously not a viewer of the old series. It was a series that pushed imagination and had fun with it. The movie did just that you viewed it to be amazed at the ideas for the plans and laugh at the cliche jokes. They were all there. The movie was good. Not great, but good. I don’t think anyone has analyzed star wars to this point because it would have been destroyed and you would piss off a billion people. I can comment on every negative thing that was said in the review, but it would be pointless. the tank scene is unbelieveable, yes but the writer forgot about such physic things as terminal velocity and newton’s laws of physics like for every action there is a reaction. Think of firing a gun and that kick it gives, what if your hand was not there the gun itself would move backwards. That is the idea of this scene, would it work, probably no but stop being such an uptight prick and enjoy a movie for what it is, a movie. Use your imagination and have some fun. You might start enjoying movies again and maybe even life a little more.

    • Madison

      I have no problem with stupid movies. None. But they have to be fun. The A-Team wasn’t. It was boring. I don’t know how many times I have to say this. IT WAS NOT A FUN MOVIE. IT SUCKED.

      Will you be buying it on DVD and watching it again?

  • bob

    this movie was great.

  • Martin

    I ejected the DVD once they were firing rounds in the tank trying to line up with water when it was falling from the sky.

    Terrible, terrible film.

  • Rachel

    Wow you honestly must have the best time walking around through real life and watching people complain all day every day. This was a very fun movie, one that was not supposed to be possible. It’s was action, I personally thought there was some funny lines. Also all 7 of the people I watched it with ranging from age 12-54 loved it. I don’t understand why you would want it to be realistic.

  • Jon

    LOL at all the people so vehemently defending this crap. The CGI was awful, awkward, low quality, and painful to look at. The stunts and action scenes were so ridiculously awkward I literally cringed. The whole thing seemed as though it was produced and directed by someone’s 6 year old child. Firing a turret to maneuver yourself into a lake? Please… That’s not just over the top, it’s stupid. A C-130 performing aerobatic maneuvers like it was an F-22? Retarded. Why again did stopping a helicopter’s rotors cause 2 missiles to collide? For that matter, how did he have 20 or more seconds to react to a missile that would (in theory) travel Mach3 or greater fired right behind him? I’m all for a break from reality but if you’re portraying a story that is supposed to be set in our world, you can’t completely ignore reality.

    I can’t finish without stating how utterly awful the dialog was. You know that feeling you get when you’re embarassed for someone saying something stupid? That sympathetic sort of embarassed where you just want them to be quiet and save themselves some semblance of dignity? That’s how I felt throughout the whole movie. I’m really not sure if it was just poor acting or poor direction but it was really awful to listen to.

    Sadly, I am sure I’m the minority in this opinion. We will continue to get crap like this year after year and the studios will have no incentive to do any better because everyone is so… utterly… tasteless…

  • Ses

    I’m with you Madison. I’ve just watched the film and it was, sadly, awful. The worst thing for me was the structure – the director had no sense of how to build a story and make action scenes count. There was so much pointless action that I just ended up not caring.

    The film didn’t start well, the characters were badly introduced, there were WAY too many pointless action scenes, Face and Murdoch were annoying and badly cast, too mnay scenes were FAR too unbelieveable….I could go on.

    I crave a return to the golden period of action films (almost twenty years ago now since it ended), but films like this wont do anything to bring it back. Even though the film was clearly meant to be stupid and over the top, it didn’t do this in an enjoyable was. It was just loud, repetitive and irritating.

  • lulz

    @ Madison

    Just wanted to say (and yes I’m late) this movie was horrendous. I just saw it today and I can honestly say it sucked. I love action movies. Take the expendables for example. Lots of GOOD ACTION, freakin hilarious dialogue, and a story that was decent, with actors that make you enjoy what you are watching. A-Team was so lame, I had to google “a team was awful” to see if others thought the same. Reading your 20 reasons made me laugh and I totally agree with every point.

    I can’t believe so many people thought this was a good movie. Nothing about it was good and I am extremely upset that this trash will have a potential continuation. At this point I’m not sure what’s worse, the movie or the people that enjoyed it.

  • martin

    personally i love this movie, and i can counter every single one of the points you mention, but im not going to do it here, because people like you who are clearly out with the intention of not enjoying the movie, are not worth the effort, but i will say that some of the above points are nothing short of childish.

  • Tom

    As above, well said. To add to that, take the movie for what it is, and that is a cinematic remake of a fun action based hit series

  • Victor

    Reason 21: The “Swahili” spoken by the black guy (allegedly from Zanzibar where they speak perfect swahili) and one of the white guys is horrendous by both parties! It wouldn’t pass anywhere in East Africa

  • Justin

    All I have to say about the Gandhi quotes is that he did say that, and the fact that he is the main reason for the creation of Pakistan (East and West before Bangladesh) and the tension between Pakistan and India. Its a pretty accurate quote.

  • Caitlin

    I quite liked the movie. I thought your review was very unfair actually. I thought the film was good apart from the fact that it was a bit far fetched and that it was slightly predictable. But overall it was a pretty decent movie, its not the best but I am going against every point you have made, oh, and Victor, the actor who plays Murdoch, Sharlto Copley, can actually speak Swahili as he is from South Africa. However the only reason that I watched the movie on Sky Anytime was because Sharlto Copley was in it. Bradley who? Its all about Sharlto.

  • joe jim

    Wow what a nerdy review!
    Its a action movie not a combat instructional film.
    I say nerdy because you are a part of the reviewers that watch a space movie and say “you can’t hear explosions in space!” Just enjoy the movie.
    You expect Casablanca to be a reality movie?
    All I can say is make a better movie, come on now I will be looking for your name up on the screen.

    • Barancy Peloma

      you are simply one of those mindless drones who scarf down any garbage hollywood throws your way and like it.
      you probably like kingdom of the crystal skull too.
      lol

  • jhon

    the movie had 113 minutes of entertainment

    if you weren’t allowed to go to the cinema and didn’t get the DVD for x-mas it’s not our fault that your had to download it from Megaupload. Enjoy what your watch and don’t waste 2 hours of your life writing fury-notes,if we dont count the sleepless night wathing the movie.

    Cheerio!

  • Bryan

    the only thing that anoyed me about this film, was how it changed/updated/modernised the origin story of the A Team. but still it brought back good memories from the TV series.

  • Aaron Ashton

    Alright you obviously did not see the same movie as me! Of all of those plot holes a few were ok but therest was you just saying over and over how bad the action was with no good reasoning! and you took all the jokes as plot holes… seriously everything that set this movie apart from the rest you bashed on… i am really ticked off

  • Barancy Peloma

    i remember seeing the trailer for it and immediately smelled a big, giant turd of a movie. didn’t see it and I’m glad i missed it.

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