Yesterday, I covered Microsoft’s E3 press conference which left me slightly underwhelmed due to its complete lack of surprises other than a redesigned Xbox that I will only buy out of frustration if my current one breaks under warranty. Yes, we saw Halo: Reach, COD: Black Ops and Gears 3, but no real surprises there, and the other half of the conference was about Project Natal Kinect’s new functions which are cool, but are not particularly related to video games. When they WERE related to video games, the titles seemed like a slight upgrade to the Wii, and not much else, something I’m decidedly not interested in.

Speaking of the Wii, today I’m starting out with Nintendo’s press conference which starts at noon EST. I usually spend a great deal of time trashing Nintendo during E3, because I have yet to be impressed with anything other than two or three Wii games since the console came out.

What can we expect announced today? I don’t know. I really have to hope that the Wii is going to spring for SOME sort of graphics upgrade at long last, as with each passing day, the system looks more and more dated with its Gamecube graphics.

I also expect them to spent a solid twenty minutes raving about how they invented the casual games market Microsoft and Sony are now leeching off of, and they’ll have an ass ton of charts and graphs showing how much they’re kicking ass in sales, as they are every year.

You know what I would love to see? A new system. A whole new goddamn system announced with great graphics, tight motion controls  and something I could actually call a console rather than a toy. But I won’t be holding my breath for that one.

Alright, I’ve got two of these beasts to liveblog today as Sony starts at 3PM, so make me feel appreciated and chime in with some comments! Liveblog starts below:

Keep refreshing for updates.

11:55 – Waiting for show to start. If this doesn’t begin with some video showing a bunch of multicultural families smiling and playing Wii, I’ll eat my laptop.

12:02 – Munch, munch, munch. Just that one dude talking. No video. Not yet at least.

12:03 – Opening big with Zelda. He’s not a papercraft cartoon! Hallelujah!

12:04 - Miyomoto is talking about “Skyward Sword.” The Wiimote and nunchuck are your sword and shield now. Seems natural. But will it feel sloppy?  How do you walk?

12:06 – Miyomoto teleports out of the video screen to show the goofy white guy how it’s done.

12:08 – It looks pretty sloppy, The sword is flying all around with seeming little relation to what Miyamoto is doing. I’m sure the PS3 move would be way better tech for this. It seems to do vertical and horizontal cutting relatively well, but not a whole lot in between.

12:10 - It’s cleaning up with time. But it all seems like way, way more working than using an actual controller, as is the problem with any kind of motion controls. I can’t imagine playing this for hours on end like you could do with a traditional Zelda game.

12:13 – The still imprecise nature of MotionPlus doesn’t allow Miyamoto to even kill some spiders with his slingshot in the demo. Another problem throwing bombs. It’s going to be pretty frustrating playing this I imagine if it’s not perfectly following your movements, which it certainly is not. More problems trying to shoot the bow. This is pretty embarrassing.

12:18 – Few new items revealed, whip, beetle. Miyomoto is apologizing for the “wireless interference” which made everything look shitty.  Game comes out next year. Questionable. Is there no way to play using a standard controller?

12:20 – Games based on “universal appeal.” Here comes the kids’ show.

12:22 – Mario Sports game. Mario plays volleyball. Donkey Kong plays hockey. Bowser plays Dodgeball. Waluigi plays basketball. These are all in one game? Yep. Mario Sports Mix. I’m sure each minigame will have the time dedicated to it that it deserves. Remember they made an entire game out of Mario Soccer and Tennis. There are four in this one alone? Ehh.

12:24 - Christ, here comes the numbers bragging. They set the all-time sales record in December. Gee, what was in December?

12:25 – Claims that people play Wii more often than other consoles. That just is flat out not true. Must be some clever wording in that study.

12:26 – Wii Party. It’s Mario Party, but using stupid Miis instead of Mario characters. Lame.

12:28 - Just Dance 2. I have nothing more to say. I like that song.

12:29 – New Golden Sun footage. Sorry, but I guess I’m too young to have any idea what Golden Sun is. Looks FF-ish.  Seeing this DS footage just reminded me about the 3DS shit we’re going to see shortly here I’m sure.

12:31 – Goldeneye for Wii trailer. To quote reddit: “We want the same game with better graphics!” “Here’s a different game with the same graphics.” And WHY would you put Oddjob in it again?

12:34 – Epic Mickey. Now THIS has always looked interesting to me. Let’s see.

12:37 - Mickey is spewing paint and paint thinner on everything. You can build or destroy. Interesting game mechanic. Sidescrolling level based on Steamboat Willy. Cool design. Best thing I’ve seen so far here.

12:41 – At long last, a Kirby game! Keep hammering those franchises until they can’t bleed anymore!

12:43 – The game is all crochet-style graphics. Never thought I’d be saying that. It sounds lame but actually looks really damn cool, and hides the Wii’s shitty graphics capabilities. Bra-vo.

12:45 – Dragon Quest. Maybe I should buy a DS one of these days.

12:46 – Metroid Other M. Hopefully this will be awesome. Decent graphics for the Wii I have to say.

12:49 – New sidescrolling Donkey Kong game, like Mario Bros Wii but with Donkey Kong, they’re really going all out bringing back ALL the old franchises this year. I’m decently impressed.

12:52 – Time for 3DS. 3D tech without the glasses. This is really only going to be worth seeing in person I think, too hard to demo it through a screen.

12:55 – Iwata is pretty hard to understand. You can adjust the “level” of 3D with a slider? How does that work?

12:58 - Damn, there’s a lot of tech in this thing. Gyroscope, and the ability to take 3D photos. That’s crazy. SHOW ME.  Noo, I can’t go to the booths to see it. Sighhh.

1:01 – Kid Icarus is the first real title for the 3DS. Man, impressive stuff Nintendo. Busting out all the big guns. The only downside of all this is we don’t get to see what the 3D looks like at all.

1:03 - Shouldn’t Nintendo be worried that the 3DS graphics are literally surpassing the Wii?

1:08 – He hasn’t said anything I’ve cared about in a while, but now he’s listing all the developers that are making stuff for the 3DS. THQ is making a Saint’s Row game for it? Sold. Also Resident Evil and Metal Gear Solid are coming.

1:11 – Video testimonial of developers raving about 3DS. They seem sincere.

1:13 - They can’t show you how the 3DS works on stage, so they’re showing us a corny video with unrealistic effects instead. Could have done without this. Is it building to something cool?

1:15 – Nope, it is not.

1:16 - Wait, something’s happening. Oh. My. God. Hot girls with Nintendo 3DSes chained to them. This is hilarious. They’re going to get so much shit for this.

1:18 – They’re ending early. No blockbuster announcement. Kind of hard to top a hundred girls attached to 3DSes.

Final Thoughts: I’ll be honest, I’m pretty impressed, and I went into this expecting to tear Nintendo apart. The sheer amount of classic franchises they’re bringing back is astonishing, from Metroid to Kirby to Zelda to Kid Icarus to Donkey Kong to even Goldeneye, it’s absurd. I don’t think all that is very forward moving, but it will please a lot of fans.

The 3DS is another thing entirely. It looks to be using some pretty unbelievable tech, and really it is kind of embarrassing that Nintendo’s handheld has now passed their console in terms of tech.  If it looks as good as everyone says, it will revolutionize the handheld market that Nintendo already dominates. It would have been kind of nice is 3DS was kept a secret until this show, as now there is no blockbuster surprise finale, but whatever.

Good job Nintendo, I’m not sure if you beat Microsoft per se, as they had some cool tech as well, but you certainly beat expectations by a mile.