May 04 2010

Five Things Nicolas Cage Will Inevitably do in the Next 5 Years

Published by at 2:00 pm under Columns,Editorials


Upon the news that Nic Cage has just bought a Pyramid, yes a Pyramid, I couldn’t help but to think of one thing:  what the hell is with this guy’s hair?  Seriously.  Are you looking at the picture up top?  Talk about not caring.  You know what would be a genuinely valuable paparazzi picture?  Whoever can break into Nic Cage’s house and take a picture of him waking up.

Something tells me he might actually be one of the muppets and just wears human skin.  But I digress.  For all the insanity that is Nicolas Cage he’s still a good actor.  He’s just a horrible financier.  And as weird as he is now, the man still hasn’t reached old age and I can’t wait to see what other kind of deep ended stuff he pulls.

However, I’ve made my own list of five things I think he’ll inevitably do in the next five years.  Enjoy

1. Get an Earring


Harrison Ford did it.  Morgan Freeman did it.  But Nicolas Cage won’t just get an earring.  He’ll wind up getting like 16 and put them in both ears.   Then he’ll really be hip.

2.  Shave His Head and Put a Tattoo on it


Might as well right?  He’s had every possible kind of wig and hair plug imaginable.  Why not just shave the thing, put a Chinese symbol tattoo on it and call it a day?

3.  Get Calve Implants


I don’t know why but this just fits doesn’t it?

4.  Buy a Mountain or Glacier


He’ll have no money and yet somehow he’ll own “Cage Mountain” somewhere.   Hell he already bought an island in 2006 so there’s no way he doesn’t buy something like this.

5.  Wrestle An Alligator


I could have put most anything in the five spot here but can’t you just picture him doing this on live television?  I can.

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4 responses so far

4 Responses to “Five Things Nicolas Cage Will Inevitably do in the Next 5 Years”

  1. chrystanion 04 May 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Cage’s hair is borderline Tom Hanks in the Davinci code…

    Nothing is worse than Tom Hanks hair in the Da Vinci Code…

  2. Billon 04 May 2010 at 8:09 pm

    He’ll dump his incredibly hot Asian wife (who he married when she was 18) for another incredibly hot 18 yr old Asian chick.

  3. zomgmouseon 04 May 2010 at 11:05 pm

    He’ll get a job as a plumber or a taxi driver just to freak people out when they order one and get him.

  4. Bryanon 05 May 2010 at 12:34 am

    Have sex with a monkey? Or a rhino? On live TV. Just guessin’.

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