Sep 30 2009
It seems to be a running joke in the industry these days that every movie made these days is either a remake, a reboot or a sequel, and the sad part is it’s true. The problem with this new philosophy of unoriginal filmmaking is that it can take a series we’ve always loved and taint it by forcing crappier additions to it that never should have seen the light of day, or adding on more crappy additions to an already crappy franchise.
Either way, it’s not good, and out of all the series to choose from, I picked these eight that should really be left alone above all other, each for their own reasons. Let me know if you agree.
1. Pirates of the Caribbean
When I first heard there was going to be a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film, my initial reaction, like so many of yours, was “Why?” The answer that came back? The booming voice of Mickey Mouse who said “MONEY!” For as expensive as they were, the Pirates movies made just an absolute ton of money, and as long as people will keep paying, they might as well keep making them.
The only problem is that half the original cast is gone (Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are possibly showing up for cameos, but nothing more), and the star that made the films watchable is only halfheartedly into the project. Johnny Depp has been quotes as saying he’s not that excited about the project since his buddy Disney chief Dick Cook had been let go.
There’s no reason that this franchise should sail any further than it already has. The first film was quite fun, the other two were watchable but poorly constructed. And a tacked on fourth installment? Not necessary.
Yes, it’s true that Sam Raimi severely ****ed up the last Spiderman movie to the point of unwatchability, but that doesn’t give you free license for a do-over. A fourth film is now for sure going ahead, but no one seems to excited about the prospect. There aren’t many cool Spider-villains left to be touched upon, and the coolest one of all, Venom, was ravaged in the third movie (but he’s actually getting his own separate film now).
The only cool villain worth examining would be Carnage, but a decidedly un-PG-13 version of Carnage which the studio would never allow. I’m worried we’re going to get stuck with Black Cat, Mysterio and Morbius just because there is a limited depth pool to the Spiderman villain cannon.
At least wait a decade or so before going back and trying this again. I’m not opposed to that idea, but a fourth film now just seems forced. Wait until we actually want to see it instead.
3. Every Horror Franchise Ever
There are a thousand horror franchise right now that are currently getting sequeled, remade or rebooted. Off the top of my head, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Saw, Nightmare on Elm Street, and so on. My instructions for those behind these movies are simple: MAKE ORIGINAL FILMS.
The original horror genre isn’t dead yet, but it’s certainly dying. The Strangers may not have been great, but it was not based on an older film, a foreign film or a book. It was wholly original and deserves credit for that. But such an occurrence is so rare in the horror genre these days, it seems like a miracle when you find one.
Just try to make an original horror fillm, even if it fails, you will win points for originality. I wrote a list of the best horror films of the past decade, and out of 10, exactly two were remakes. Be original, you will succeed more often than you fail.
4. Resident Evil
No, I’m not lumping in the Resident Evil series with horror, because it’s sort of its own genre of horror/action/video game horribleness. The original Resident Evil holds the high honor of being the closest thing to a halfway decent video game movie adaptation that currently exists, but all the sequels are garbage, and the recent announcement of a fourth film AND a prequel has me wondering who the **** is so gung-ho about these movies?
There are so many better video games that should be turned into movies before we keep churning out RE sequels and prequels. Why does the Bioshock movie sink while Resident Evil gets five cracks at theaters? Life’s not fair.
The original two Terminators were awesome, and that’s great, but when Cameron left, so did what made those movies great. McG is the hackiest of hack directors, and took a somewhat decent story in Terminator Salvation and butchered it into a truly atrocious project. And for some reason, the studio has given him the key to the city, and he’s about to further taint the series with a fifth installment set in the present day, because that makes sense.
It’s a cool universe, no doubt, but there are only so many plot holes you can stomp into a series’ mythology before the thing just becomes one big vacuum. Leave futuristic robot war to Michael Bay for the time being.
This is a very strange situation we find ourselves in with the latest Alien reboot. Ridley Scott has actually expressed an interest in coming back to direct a new film, which would make you think that it might be a good idea to revive the franchise with the original director of the genre classic on board, but still, I don’t approve.
I just don’t think there’s anything to be gained from continuing the story here. The first two Aliens were suitably terrifying, the third was rubbish, and I can’t even bring myself to watch the last one. For as good as the first two are in the horror genre, I just don’t think the mythology is that interest at all (Predator confrontations not withstanding), and I can’t picture a new film that would add anything new without feeling gimmicky (Aliens that can FLY!). Scott should just leave it alone and make a NEW sci-fi classic if he really wants to return to that scene.
7. Indiana Jones
I actually enjoyed the fourth Indiana Jones film more than most people did. I thought pieces of it were truly pulled from the classic films and the overall plot was great. But it’s clear that George Lucas still doesn’t understand that not everything needs CGI, and the movie was tainted by a bevy of animated monkeys, gophers and aliens that stand out as the most memorable parts of the film.
I didn’t mind the whole Shia as Indy’s son bit, but he CAN’T take over the franchise, and Ford is just flat out too old to keep things going. While a universe like Star Wars can (and should) carry on forever, I’m afraid that Indiana Jones can’t take the same path.
8. _____ Movie
There’s only one thing I have to say about these types of movies. STOP SEEING THEM. And they’ll stop being made.
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