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This weekend at the MTV Movie Awards, dozens of awards were given out to people whose names I didn’t recognize. I’ve never been a big MTV Movie Awards aficionado or anything, but seriously, I have no idea who these people are anymore.

They’re all in singing vampire movies, right? Singing vampire movies about abstinence, right? And people watch that? Kids these days are idiots. Gimme Kevin Bacon anger-dancing through an old factory any day.

But at least we learned how to put nuts on Eminem.

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