I’m writing this post with the understanding that it will most likely upset a large number of people, due to the fact that many of these shows currently still pull in viewers in decently large numbers. Though I’m not exactly sure how a loyal fan base exists around a show like Bones, I’ve seen enough YouTube mashups to know you’re out there, and I apologize, but sometimes you need to hear the hard truth:

THESE SHOWS MUST DIE.

1) Grey’s Anatomy (since 2005)

Yeah I’m starting with the big guns here. Everyone knows that Grey’s Anatomy is slowly capsizing like the ratings Titanic that it is. It’s one of the only dramas that consistently puts up big numbers due to its rabidly loyal female fan base (a few of which will chew my ears off for this I’m sure). But the fact of the matter is, the show is dying, and it probably should have never lived nearly this long anyways.

The cast is falling away bit by bit due to the fact that everyone on staff over at the show appears to hate each other passionately. And even fans of the show will admit it’s falling off a cliff into soap opera absurdity (Izzy had sex with a ghost? Repeatedly?). The show will not bow out now, not a chance in hell with its ratings, but that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t. I think it would work much better if it were shown at 2 in the afternoon, every single day, and they just went ahead and changed the name to General Hospital. The writing could stay the same.

Case in Point Clip:

Look, it’s feminism! I think…

2) Deal or No Deal (since 2005)

There are a good many reality shows I could put on this list, but there are none I feel as passionately about as Deal or No Deal. There are no questions, no bugs to be eaten, no race to be won. There are just cases, a button, a bald, hypochondriac host and a contestant who is usually fighting an epic battle between greed and stupidity inside their own head.

I believe that Deal or No Deal should be allowed to exist, for all the millions of idiots who insist on watching it. My problem with the show is that it takes up prime-time air space on a major network, often for multiple days out of the week, which could be filled by better shows, shows which are often killed off in favor of mindless time wasters like Deal.

I understand the appeal of a show like Deal or No Deal to networks, because it costs nothing to produce, there’s no writing, acting or any sort of creative direction to worry about, and they put up huge numbers. Problems like this won’t be solved until America starts getting smarter, and I’m not exactly holding my breath for that one.

Case in Point Clip:

He really, really deserves that dollar.

3) Bones (since 2005)

Bones is a part of a certain class of shows that upsets me to no end. It’s part of a trend that is trying to capitalize on the procedural crime solving of CSI that was, and continues to be insanely popular. But since they don’t want to rip off CSI directly (that’s Cold Case’s job), these shows try to solve crimes in a quirky way that involves math or science or some other neat trick that makes the show deviate slightly from the CSI path.

This resulted in a good show one time. That show was Monk. But that show had good writing and acting to back it up. On the other hand shows like Numb3rs (solving crimes with math!), Bones (solving crime with archeology!) and most recently, Lie to Me (solving crimes with body language!) are all pretty awful, yet they’re sustained by the audience who thinks they’re learning something AND being entertained, despite the fact that any real scientist or expert would refute 90% of these shows’ findings.

I single out Bones here especially because in four years, I’ve never heard anyone say word one about the show, yet somehow it has managed to hold onto a mid-week prime time spot FOREVER on Fox while shows like Terminator and Dollhouse are pushed to the channel’s Friday night lineup and left to bleed out. I’m just exhausted with gimmicky crime shows the way I’m exhausted with soap opera medical dramas. These are shows that exist for no other reason than to please people who can’t wrap their heads around story lines that last for more than one episode.

Case in Point Clip:

This is the closest the show ever gets to interesting. A rumor of an almost love scene that no one in the cast seems to even care about.

4) Ghost Whisperer (since 2005)

Oh I forgot to mention in the last blurb, SOLVING CRIMES WITH GHOSTS. Add that to the list. CBS has the uncanny ability to have the same shows air for year after year, and their geriatric audience keeps the ratings up by tuning in week after week since it’s now a part of their unchangeable nightly routine. I also suspect that the older audience of shows like CSI, NCIS and Ghost Whisperer will always try to catch them live, thus boosting the Nielsen numbers, as they rarely use their dial-up internet and don’t even know what a DVR is.

That’s the only way to explain the existence of Ghost Whisperer, a show that barely anyone knows even exists (Jennifer Love Hewitt is still acting?), yet continues to be on the air year after year. In order to not judge without first sampling the product, I watched an episode and a half in preparation for this article. I would definitely recommend it to my grandmother, as I’m sure it’s the equivalent of The Ring to her in terms of spookiness. For the rest of us, it’s a sh*tty show about ghosts with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Case in Point Clip:

Someone dies, then someone else is reincarnated into their body. I only tolerate this crap if it’s on Buffy.

5) Desperate Housewives (since 2004)

Desperate Housewives is an example of a show that isn’t all bad, but it’s just gone past its due. I actually believe that there is a decent amount of clever writing on the program, and when I was trying to find bad clips as a “case in point” video to show, I actually ended up laughing at a few of the scenes. ABC, thanks for not being as stingy with your clips as those Fox assholes (try to find more than thirty seconds of any Fox show that isn’t a promo or a fan mashup on YouTube, it’s impossible).

But now with the cast slowly disintegrated, and the show dragging into a sixth season, it seems that it’s probably time for the ladies of Wisteria Lane to pack up and head elsewhere.  There are hardly any shows that can keep coming with fresh ideas after six seasons, and it’s not a sign of defeat to walk away before you’re executed. Just ask Seinfeld.

Case in Point Clip:

A montage that more or less sums up the show in under three minutes.

6) Two and a Half Men (since 2003)

Remember everything I said about CBS’s lineup earlier? That is especially true for Two and a Half Men. This show has been flying under the radar for years now, putting up huge ratings despite almost no buzz or critical acclaim whatsoever, putting it into the “it gets watched because people watch it” category that According to Jim was king of for nearly a decade.

The show is one of the last bastions of the old sitcom era of Friends and Everybody Love Raymond. Laugh tracks just seem like they’re from another planet now, and even good shows are being brought down by the old sitcom format (How I Met Your Mother is great, but would probably be even better filmed Office style). All the old sitcom giants have officially died out, and Two and a Half Men is like their bastard offspring who stubbornly refuses to move out of the house.

Case in Point Clip:

I hear other people laughing so it must be funny!

7) Smallville (since 2001)

God help me, I loved Smallville for so many years. After September 11th, the world needed a hero, and that need propelled Smallville to be a smash hit on the WB. The show was cheesy at times, but overall a pretty good ride, season after season.

But here we are, nearly nine years later, and the show just needs to call it a day. Key cast members are leaving (Michael Rosenbaum couldn’t take an entire decade of shaving his head to play Lex), and the plot lines are getting more and more patently ridiculous (I stopped watching after an episode gave Pete Ross superpowers when he chewed Kryptonite infected gum as OneRepublic played a concert at an abandoned Stride Gum factory).

Smallville is a prime example of a show that needed an end date on it. But instead it’s fallen into the class of all those other WB shows that dragged on well past their welcome, Buffy, Angel, Dawson’s Creek, 7th Heaven, and it’s now time for Clark to get his wings, and fly on to bigger and better things.

Case in Point Clip:

The exact moment I stopped watching the show.

8 ) Scrubs (since 2001)

Scrubs also suffers from the problem of not being a bad show, but just being on for so long that we’re all completely fatigued by it. It’s in the category of “really, that show is still on?” in the footsteps of NYPD Blue and ER. It is still moderately amusing at times, but you can only squeeze a rock so hard before no more blood comes out.

And the rock is just about empty. With rumors that Zach Braff is leaving the show, we might soon have a That ’70s Show situation where there’s an awkward last season with the major players of the cast missing, and the show dies a grisly death as it falls apart piece by piece. The chance for a noble end passed long ago, but there is still hope to avoid that kind of fate.

Case in Point Clip:

Guest stars! Everybody loves guest stars!

Other shows I thought about, but ultimately kept off the list:

Heroes - It’s just too much fun to make fun of every week.

CSI, Law and Order, NCIS - There’s no point in even trying to suggest that these massively rated shows should go off the air, no matter how dead inside they are. But come on, kill a spin-off or two at the very least.

Lost - It IS ending. On PURPOSE. Everyone learn a lesson here.

My Name is Earl - Yeah, no, this should absolutely have been on the list, my bad. I just completely forgot it was even on anymore. Can you believe this premiered with The Office all those yeas ago?

The Real Housewives of _______ - But that would have thoroughly upset my roommate.

24 - No, I would watch Jack Bauer fight terrorists as an 80 year old in a wheelchair.

House - I honestly think it should go, but I didn’t want to endure the fan fury for that one. And then I would have had to advertise this post as “the most SHOCKING Unreality article EVER!”

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