Apr 15 2009

Unreal Man Crush: The Five Best Paul Walker Movie Roles

Published by at 9:00 am under Movies

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I am going to see Fast and Furious tonight, and my expectations aren’t very high.  Unlike Sub-Zero, I’m not a huge fan of the franchise, although I do find the series pretty entertaining.  I know I’m alone here, but I think that the second movie is better than the first, mostly because I have a strange man crush on Paul Walker and didn’t miss Vin Diesel at all.  I know he’s not the greatest actor, but there is something about Walker’s screen presence that makes him enjoyable to watch.  My man crush isn’t as full-blown as it is for some athletes (Ryan Braun, for example – what a dreamboat) or even other actors (looking at you, Michael Biehn), but it’s substantial nonetheless.  I think I’ll enjoy the new Fast and Furious movie, and apropos of my imminent viewing, let’s take a look at Paul Walker’s five best movie roles.

1. Brian O’Conner – The Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, 4 Fast 4 Furious Fast and Furious

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Brian has got to be Walker’s most recognizable role – the good-looking dirty blonde kid who uses “bro” more than any other word and can race souped-up cars with the best of them.  Oh, and of course, he gets the girl, whether she’s serving him tuna fish sandwiches or undercover posing as a criminal’s girlfriend.  Brian’s chill, laid back ways serve as the perfect compliment to both Dom’s alpha-male, gruff status and Tyrese’s over-the-top, “ejecto seato, cuz!” persona. Paul Walker even looks like a Brian O’Conner, bro.

2. Joey Gazelle – Running Scared

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I’ve defended Running Scared on this site before, so I see no reason to get into the merits of a movie that most people overlook.  If you think it’s sh*t, great, but I think at the very least it’s an intense, stylized, and gritty crime movie, which is more than I can say about anything the “visionary” Zach Snyder has done (but Dawn of the Dead did rule).  Anyway, I think the role of Joey Gazelle is Walker’s best, but I also know that that ain’t saying much.  Whatever.  I actually buy him as a hustling New Jersey criminal, and I didn’t think his accent was half bad.

3. Chris Johnstone – Timeline

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I can’t really tell if there’s a difference between Chris Johnstone and Brian O’Conner, save for the latter using the term “bro” much more often.  I love that you can throw Paul Walker in a science fiction/action movie, and he’s still Paul Walker, no matter what is thrown at him.  Timeline wasn’t terrible – especially when you consider how bad some Crichton adaptation can be – and Paul Walker in 1357 is really better suited for a fish-out-of-water comedy.

4. Skip Martin – Pleasantville

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Skip Martin is the handsome, perfect dude at his high school, so naturally the horny Jennifer is all up on his junk.  Skip experiences a boner for the first time, and it freaks him out to such a degree (in a good way, ultimately), that he can no longer make every single shot when playing basketball.

5. Jared – Into the Blue

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Into the Blue was not surprisingly pretty awful, but if any man is handsome enough to play the lead opposite the gorgeous Jessica Alba, it’s Paul Walker.  I like to think of them as the two most perfect-looking people alive, just without the talent of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  After watching this movie, I had to take a long, hard look in the mirror and confront some serious issues about my sexuality.  Alba turns me on like no one else, but a shirtless Jared made me feel things for which my father would disown me if he was made aware.

Honorable Mention: Caleb Mandrake – The Skulls

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Just pull the trigger, you friggin’ wuss.

Any Paul Walker roles you like that I missed?  Other than in Eight Below, I sure don’t remember many.  This wasn’t so much an homage to Paul Walker the actor as it was an homage to Paul Walker, the guy I want to look like.  Instead, I walk around looking like a cross between Jason Biggs and Jerry Seinfeld.  How the hell is that fair?





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14 responses so far

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  • Tyler

    I really liked Walker in “Eight Below” and the small role he had in “Flags of our Fathers.”

  • keke

    dude, how could you forgot that cute and awful accent in Varsity Blues

  • Madison

    @keke

    Of course. How did I ever miss that one?

  • http://fookhar.dk Marcus

    The Into The Blues thing was hilarious, you fag. :P

    “I’ve defended Running Scared on this site before, so I see no reason to get into the merits of a movie that most people overlook. If you think it’s sh*t, great, but I think at the very least it’s an intense, stylized, and gritty crime movie, which is more than I can say about anything the “visionary” Zach Snyder has done (but Dawn of the Dead did rule). Anyway, I think the role of Joey Gazelle is Walker’s best, but I also know that that ain’t saying much. Whatever. I actually buy him as a hustling New Jersey criminal, and I didn’t think his accent was half bad.”

    Wow, wow, wow, you may dislike Snyder, but his movies are definitely intense, and stylized, not that I’m really fond of the “visionary” tag, he’s been given, either.

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  • Madison

    @ Marcus

    Yeah, maybe I’m a bit hard on Snyder. I think he’s got a great eye for what looks cool on screen, but his last two movies (300 and Watchmen) felt more like slideshows than actual movies. There’s just nothing substantive going on.

  • keke

    ahem, and Joy Ride. It’s not like I’m a fan of his or anything…

  • http://hi5 anggie_e!!****

    Yo amo a BRYAN OCONN’OR!!!!!!!

    lO uNiKo K Se Es K eS Un !!!°°PaPy!!!°°

    Te aMo bRyAn OcOnN’oR!!!!!!!!!!!

    i LoVe iS FoReVeR A NeVeR YOu!!!!!!!═☺♦♣║◙.Ø♂

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  • http://leavearepli mariagna sarahi

    mira paul walker sales mui vien en todas tus fotos mmm yo creo que ya es todo lo que te quiero desir si creo que si

  • Jyemielie

    Also ich finde Paul Walker ja total süß und ich finde auch die ganzen Filmer die Paul gemacht gut. Und hoffe ja das noch ein Film von ihn raus kommt.

  • shannon

    i love paul walker and vin diesel from shannon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • shannon

    AMBER LOVES PAUL WALKER XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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