People always  try to defend movies by saying that they don’t change our perception of the real world, so therefore they don’t have a negative impact on children. That’s bullsh*t. Not the negative impact on children part, but movies really do change your worldview on a lot of things. Because you see certain things happen in a movie a certain way all the time, when they actually happen in real life, the effect is much less profound. Here are five “exciting” real world events I’m less than impressed with thanks to the silver screen.

1) The Bank Robbery

The Movies: The Dark Knight

VS.

Real Life: Cottonwood, Arizona

As it turns out, robbing a bank isn’t nearly as exciting as you might guess. Maybe back in the old wild west before security cameras and silent alarms it was, but today criminals simply walk up, ask for money and then leave. It’s probably one of the most polite crimes you can commit these days.

As you can see the days of assault rifle toting, mask wearing bank robbers died a long time ago, if it even ever existed as at all, and scenes like those in The Dark Knight and Heat are nothing but fantasy. And as for getting away with it? Even more unlikely than you actually wearing a clown mask to the robbery.

Sure people being taken hostage and dying isn’t “cool” but there’s just a lack of theater in real life bank robbery. It’s all about getting in, getting out, and usually with not that much money. See baldy up there? He walked away with five grand in a sack. What the hell? Where’s the emptying of the vault? The drilling through the floor while avoiding laser alarms? It’s all just so…tame.

Think this is isolated? Well here are the two other most ridiculous bank robbery videos I could find. Maybe there’s just some sort of “no gun” rule on YouTube, but seriously, *yawn.*

2)  The High School Dance

The Movies: She’s All That

VS.

Real Life: Thurso High School

How was your prom? Mine was an endless amount of pictures at a multitude of locations, a decent dinner and a dance with a bunch of awkward white kids trying to crip walk. Since then, that’s become simply a Friday night. High school dances are the pinnacle of social events at the time, but looking back, you have to agree with all those emo kids who decried the events as “lame.”

Granted they said that because they couldn’t get a date if their wrist-cutting lives depended on it, but fundamentally they are right. Prom, Homecoming and other such events are never the glamorized spectacles like you’d imagine them to be in movies. For example, the two videos above should illustrate the difference between a choreographed movie prom dance, and a choreographed real life prom dance.

Yes, it may be Irish theme (or something else equally bizarre) but the principle remains the same. The most effective choreography you’ll see at prom will be kids attempting the electric slide, or the King and Queen doing a poorly concieved rendition of the “Dirty Dancing” dance.

And what’s with all the talk about sex on prom night. That doesn’t happen either. I mean, right? Right? Ah man, maybe that was just me…

3) The Car Chase

The Movies: The Transporter

VS.

Real Life: The Spin-out

Everyone’s watched World’s Wildest Police Videos and other such programs on at 2 AM on SpikeTV, but almost never do you ever see any cool chases to rival the movies. After looking far and wide, this video was the best real life car chase I could find. Problem is, the cool part only lasts about forty five seconds, and the guy gets wrecked and busted immediately afterwards.

In real life, no one ever actually gets away during police chases. Unless you’re driving a Bugatti Veyron in a straight line at 200 mph, you’re not going to outrun a helicopter, and that whole “hide in a parking garage” thing doesn’t actually work out in real life. And neither does pulling into a “Pay ‘N Spray.” Alright, that’s a video game, but you get my point.

One has to wonder how much the camera angle has to do with the excitement level of these car chase. Most of the time, it’s an overhead helicopter shot that makes the car look like it’s going about 40 (when it’s really doing 100) and the cars it’s passing look like they’re standing still (when they’re going 70). I bet if we could see inside the chase car it would be a lot cooler, but even police dash cams are never all that exciting. Unless it’s this video.

4) The Bar Fight

The Movies: Serenity

VS.

Real Life: Double K.O.

Movies are the reason that everyone thinks it’s cool to get into bar fights. But really, it’s not. Most real life bar fights involve one or two punches following by a lot of shirt pulling and scuffling, or if you’re really feeling lucky, a broken bottle over the head. However, they are not the monstrous free-for-alls we all wish them to be.

Bar fights usually serve the purpose of getting maybe one douchebag to shut his mouth, or to get a local college athlete suspended. They are never as cool as you wish them to be, and even the really, really badass ones are only like four seconds long.

Note the above video: A headbutt and a K.O. punch is pretty awesome, but that’s maybe like the first two seconds of most bar fight scenes in movies. And then he just runs away? What the hell is this? God, real life is so ****ing lame.

5) The Poker Game

The Movies: Casino Royale

VS.

Real Life: 2008 WSOP Final Table

Look, I like poker as much as the next guy. I’ve felt the thrill of victory playing in my dorm’s common room, winning a tournament that buys me a bottle of Grey Goose for the evening, but still, it’s not nearly as cool as the movies.

The amount of absurd hands, blindingly obvious tells and obscenely high stakes you see in movies just doesn’t happen in the real world. I don’t think there’s actual a secret kabbal of rich people who site around and play $100M games with arms dealers. The biggest poker event we have is the World Series of Poker and the final showdown is usually between a two dudes who won their place there on the internet, one of them being fat, white and covered in poker brand names, and the other being skinny, asian and covered in poker brand names.

Once in a blue moon will you see a truly epic hand, but it’s usually never the last one, it’s usually never happening to you and I’m pretty sure no one is going to be executed as a result of the game. Bo-ring.

Stay tuned for five MORE things from movies that are never as cool in real life. Suggestions are welcome.

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