In this episode of Battle Royale, we pit the guys from Super Troopers against their counterparts from the comedy Beerfest.  This isn’t a drinking contest, mind you, but a good old fashioned slobber-knocker.  Both movies starred the guys from Broken Lizard, and both movies were hilarious.  Club Dread wasn’t awful, by the way, but it’s not at the same level as Super Troopers or Beerfest.  Getting back to the fight, though, who would win between a bunch of Vermont state troopers and a bunch of guys who drink beer like their lives depend on it?  Keep reading to view the matchups and see which squad reigns triumphant!

Jeff Foster vs. Jan Wolfhouse

Foster is perhaps the most “normal” of all the Super Troopers and is actually pretty good with the ladies, but his inability to grow a mustache is a huge red flag.  Foster is also clever, as evidenced by his ability to fish - and get away with it - when he should be trying to catch speeders.  Jan doesn’t have much to brag about besides his legacy, but he does get pretty motivated when revenge is at stake.  Foster might be able to outsmart Jan, but there’s no way a beer-guzzling man who knows the value of revenge is going to lose to a guy who can’t grow facial hair.  Jan wins in a fight that fourth grade girls would find lame.

Winner: Jan Wolfhouse (1-0 Beerfest)

Robert “Rabbit” Roto vs. Todd Wolfhouse

Rabbit doesn’t have much experience on the force and is often hazed and relegated to performing the worst duties assigned.  Todd, like his brother Jan, is part of an esteemed legacy, but also has the ability of “drunken recall,” which allows him to function - sort of - when blasted out of his mind.  Rabbit’s a good trooper, and the rage held inside as a result of all the hazing will prove too much for Todd, no matter how wasted Todd gets.

Winner: Rabbit (1-1 tie)

Arcot Ramathorn vs. Barry Badrinath

Ramathorn has the most experience of the Super Troopers engaged in this battle, as well as a sly demeanor that has helped him become established in the world of law enforcement.  He’s also got a hippie girlfriend and a young son, meaning he’s got something to fight for.  Barry, on the other hand, has just about nothing to fight for, and those are the people who are most dangerous.  Barry’s accuracy and athletic prowess actually improve when he’s wasted (and we can presume he will be for this fight), and he’s seen some very rough times in his life.  Do you think a guy who was giving handies in the street for money is going to sweat some highway trooper?  Me neither.  Barry shows a feral side of his personality to Ramathorn, mentally incapacitating his opponent with a deluge of shock and disgust.

Winner: Barry (2-1 Beerfest)

MacIntyre Womack vs. Charlie Finkelstein

MacIntyre Womack is the craziest, sickest, and most dangerous man involved in this battle.  Not only is he comfortable with firearms, but Mac can drink with the best of them (remember him throwing down shots of whiskey like it was water?) - including the guys from Beerfest.  Fink is a small, nerdy Jew, but don’t let his appearance deceive you.  If prodded enough, Fink can unleash a whirlwind of fury on his enemies.  Plus, he’s smart enough to calculate his opponents’ weaknesses.  It’s still not enough, though, and even the Eye of the Jew won’t help Fink against the psychopathic Mac.

Winner: Mac (2-2 tie)

Rodney Farva vs. Phil “Landfill” Krundle

And so the Battle Royale comes down to the big boys of each crew: Rod Farva and Landfill.  Farva, while incredibly entertaining, is pretty much a failure at everything he tries.  He’s a lousy trooper, nobody likes him, and he can’t drink to excess without puking everywhere.  In fairness, though, Farva did manage to beat up the kid working the register at a burger joint.  Landfill, on the other hand, can consume just about anything in his path, be it hot dogs, beer, or state troopers.  Even if Landfill dies, he’s got his twin brother Gil to fill in for him.  Landfill crushes Farva and humiliates him in the process, winning the Battle Royale for the guys from Beerfest!

Winner: Landfill (3-2 Beerfest)

Hey, I was rooting for the guys from Super Troopers, too, but that’s just how it all went down.  What’s that restaurant you like with all the goofy sh*t on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

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