Dec 18 2008
Ah, college: binge drinking, experimenting with drugs, promiscuous girls, and an escape from supervision. All with the opportunity to learn, of course. Since the representation of college in movies tends to emphasize the partying and not the education, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the names of real life institutions of higher learning aren’t used (one major exception being Harvard University in How High – WTF?). Instead, characters attend fictional colleges, where students can engage in heavy drug use and rampant sex without offending anyone on the Board of Trustees. This article has just begun and I am already feeling nostalgic. Here are fifteen fictional colleges as seen in movies, along with the pros and cons of enrolling:
Tech University – He Got Game
Pros: Well, if you’re on the basketball team, you should have plenty of girls to provide services for you – and not just doing your laundry. Jill Kelly and Chasey Lain have been known to appear at dorm parties, too.
Cons: If you’re not on the basketball team, you’re gonna have to settle for sloppy seconds. Which isn’t really a con if the girls are Jill Kelly and Chasey Lain. It’d also be more like sloppy three hundered and seconds, so be safe.
Truth University – Stomp the Yard
Pros: Stepping rules. I remember when I was in college and the black fraternities would put on step shows; it was hella impressive. If I went to Truth, I’d do whatever I could to join Theta Nu Theta, even if meant a semester of hard core hazing. Tech U may have Jill and Chasey, but Truth has Meagan Good, one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen.
Cons: If you ain’t into stepping, there’s really not much else to do. I mean, you could learn, but that’s awfully boring.
South Central Louisiana State University – The Waterboy
Pros: The cheerleaders and school mascot like to get wasted. Often. Plus, you can learn all about the medulla oblongata from Colonel Sanders.
Cons: It seems that all the great parties, hot girls, and modern facilities are across the way at University of Louisiana.
Faber College – Animal House
Pros: Faber has the best parties ever, it’s in close proximity to the Dexter Lake Club, and the professors smoke weed.
Cons: Dean Wormer and the Omegas are always trying to ruin all the fun.
Western University – Blue Chips
Pros: The corrupt athletic department may swing you a duffle bag full of cash if you’re a good enough athlete.
Cons: Looming NCAA violations and the resignation of Coach Pete Bell mean trips to the Final Four may be a pipe dream.
Eastern State University – The Program
Pros: Steroids are readily available, so you can have the body you’ve always wanted, and the tutors are pretty easy on the eyes.
Cons: Losing to the Michigan Wolverines is an embarassment, but not nearly as shameful as dying from imitating the team quartback and lying in the road as cars speed by.
South Harmon Institute of Technology – Accepted
Pros: The students teach the courses.
Cons: The students teach the courses.
Columbus University – Higher Learning
Pros: You will find some kind of cliched stereotypical group to fall into, no matter how unique you think you may be. Also: lesbians.
Cons: One of those groups happens to be skinhead Nazis. No thanks.
Adams College – Revenge of the Nerds
Pros: Amazing school carnivals with the best tasting pies you’ve ever had.
Cons: If you’re not a jock, good luck finding a place to live. Even the freshman dorms may be off limits to nerds.
Port Chester University – PCU
Pros: Dumping tubs of raw meat on animal rights protesters seems like an awfully good time.
Cons: Fraternities have been banished, and a blanket of politcal correctness has suffocated the campus. Ugh. I’d rather be home schooled.
Coolidge College – Van Wilder
Pros: “Super duper” seniors share the dorms with freshman girls, the entire campus is navigable via golf cart, the basketball team is pretty damn good, and the school newspaper’s journalists are pretty hot.
Cons: The athletic department seems shaky at best – the swim team needed to be saved by a charity event, and the basketball team employs a deaf coach. Even worse, the school nickname is the Chickadees. Yikes. Finally, if you join the DIK fraternity, pledging is going to be a total nightmare.
Harrison University – Old School
Pros: Similar to Faber, the parties are out of this world. Snoop Dogg AND Elisha Cuthbert? Wow.
Cons: Similar to Faber, the uptight dean is always trying to ruin the fun. Cheeee-eeese!
Grand Lakes University – Back to School
Pros: Grand Lakes probably has the best dorm rooms of any college, but the campus’ real gem is local band Oingo Boingo.
Cons: Professors may scream in your face, and even a paper written by Vonnegut himself isn’t worthy of an “A.”
Pacific Tech – Real Genius
Pros: The school has a contract with the CIA to develop a chemical laser, and there are winter sports played in the dorm hallways.
Cons: There may be someone living in your closet.
Texas State University* – Necessary Roughness
*Yes, I know that there is a Texas State University, but it didn’t exists at the time this movie was made. At any rate, the real school is Texas State University San Marcos. So there.
Pros: Um, she goes here:
Cons: Because of her, it’d be just about impossible to concentrate on anything else. I went into a coma for nine weeks the first time I saw her in that shower scene.
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