Dec 15 2008
It’s probably not a good sign for Heroes that I want the vast majority of the cast dead, and wouldn’t feel a bit of sadness if any of them bit it tonight. It’s kind of like if I said that Friends sucks and they need to kill off Joey, Monica, Phoebe and Ross to make it good. But Heroes has far too much dead weight it’s been hauling around for too long now, and the plot holes caused by some of the characters are turning into bottomless plot chasms.
Here are 10 characters that I think the show could do with out, ranked on a scale from “they’re a minor annoyance” to “they should be shot into the sun.”
Why he deserves it: Look Nathan, it’s time to sh*t or get off the pot. He needs to choose whether to be good or evil, and he better make up his mind quick. I’d rather see him dead than watch any more of his flirting between the light and dark side of the force. His ability sucks (flying is pretty useless without strength or invulnerability), but his real power lies in his public image, an angle they need to play up more, or get rid of him completely.
How it should happen: Have Sylar cut his head open, I’m sure he’d make much better use out of flight than Nathan does.
Why she deserves it: This picture is pretty much the only reason I want her dead. Everytime she walks into a damn room she has to do the “flame on” trick. What, no “Hi Claire, it’s so nice to see you again”? Nope, just walk right in and open that palm to remind everyone what you do in case they ****ing forgot. They made her slightly more relevant by making her brother that blue-flame doofus, but she’s more or less useless. Maybe if she dies Claire will get her act together and start kicking some ass.
How it should happen: Claire dives to take a bullet for her, but it’s such a high calibur it rips through her and kills Meredith anyways. Irony!
8 ) Hiro
Why he deserves it: Calm down, calm down. I love Hiro too, everyone does. But I’m putting him here because if killing him means a stop to time-travel, I think it’s worth the sacrifice. 90% of all plot holes found in Heroes can be attributed to time travel. For example, Arthur is this season’s bad guy. Why doesn’t Hiro just zap to when he was lying sick in bed, freeze time, and skewer his face with a katana? Because that would have made for a really short season that’s why. Either kill Hiro or kill his power, but time travel absolutely must stop on this show.
How it should happen: He miscalculates a time jump and ends up getting stomped on by a brontosaurus. At least it’d be giving the show’s comic relief a humorous death.
Why he deserves it: The creepiest scene of the entire season as far as I’m concered is when Noah has Sylar and Elle making out in the crosshairs of his sniper rifle and then the episode ends. OK. Cut to next episode where the two lovebirds are naked on the floor wrapped in blankets. And then Noah starts shooting! Did he seriously just sit there watching the entire escapade through his sniper scope? Ewwww. But really, I don’t want him dead because he’s a perv, I want him dead because he’s a one trick pony that hasn’t done anything remotely interesting in a season and a half. His only job on the show seems to be to “protect Claire,” but considering she’s proven to be thoroughly immortal, that makes him pretty useless doesn’t it?
How it should happen: Another Sylar victim, Bennett’s been such a dick to him he more than has it coming. Unfortunately he’ll get no powers from his brain besides possibly poor eyesight.
Why she deserves it: How much damn time did we waste with this chick in season 2? Her entire subplot with Sylar and her brother was completely useless and she keeps popping up like a really hot, large chested bout of herpes that just won’t go away. As much as I appreciate her aesthetically, I really never want to see her again unless they somehow end up injecting her with a power that doesn’t suck, like tits that shoot lasers or something. And she’s much too hot for Mohinder anyways.
How it should happen: Mohinder gets her pregnant and about six months in a demon spider baby bursts out of her stomach. Wicked.
Why she deserves it: Can someone tell me what the hell Angela’s power is exactly? Something about the future. Something about dreams. Something about future dream traveling. I have no idea. Now with Arthur dead, she’s the only memeber of the old guard left, which sucks considering all of the other old heroes were way, way better than her. She’s allegedly behind the “good” movement this season, but I’ll be damned if she’s done one useful thing I can remember. Off with her head.
How it should happen: Freddy Krueger shows up and they dream battle to the death.
Why she deserves it: Yeah I get it, hot jailbait attracts viewers, but do you have to make her so damn annoying? I mean really, her character development as seen through her high school years was pretty good, but “grown up” Claire is now more of a whiny brat than she ever was. She’s the centerpiece for every plot every season for some reason, but “save the cheerleader, save the world” is a pretty empty statement since it’s been proven you could feed this girl through a woodchipper and have her not die.
How it should happen: Since she can’t actually die, have one of the teleporting guys transport her to the moon, where she can whine in peace for the rest of her lonely existence.
Why he deserves it: You can’t have a person this powerful on the show and not expect him to be the center point of a million different plot holes. Peter has Hiro’s time travel skills AND Claire’s immortality, which makes it all but impossible that he can ever die on the show. How can you root for a main character like that? The show took away his powers this season, but you know that’s only temporary. Soon he’ll get them back and we’ll find a black hole where the plot used to be.
How it should happen: There is literally no possible way to do it. Though immortal, he can’t be teleported into exile like Claire, because he can just teleport right back. The only thing I can think of is have him sit in a room with the Haitian, shoot him in the head, and then have the Haitain wait there forever so he doesn’t heal.
Why he deserves it: Mohinder has become the definition of a useless character. He used to be pretty integral, discovering genomes and reaching out to heroes in season one. He got mildly interesting again this season when he went all “The Fly” for a little while, but now he just saunters around the lab looking like some sort of leprosy patient. They need him for whenever they want to talk about “science stuff,” but I swear if I hear one more five-minute voice over narration…
How it should happen: Shortly after birth, Maya’s spider baby jumps on him and bites his jugluar out.
Why she deserves it: I cannot believe this person is still on the show. She’s the character so utterly uninteresting, they felt they had to make three copies of her. One of them had no powers, the other was some sort of rage black out-having Incredible Hulk rip-off, and now this latest iteration has super freezing powers. Where the **** did that come from? I was dancing in the streets when they killed her off last season, and when I saw they brought her back this season for no earthly reason at all I almost lost it. Just kill her, for good, it’ll only be three seasons too late.
How it should happen: Heart attack, posioned, drowned, burned, suffocated, a large fall, shot, stabbed, hung, Sylar’d, cancer, car accident, plane crash, I do not care, just get her off the damn show.
As you can see I’m a still a fan of Sylar, Parkman, Daphne, Ando and the Haitian. But yeah, that’s just about it. I still can’t believe they killed Kristen Bell. And the portal guy. That guy rocked.
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