Nov 25 2008
Twilight made 70 million dollars this weekend. What. The. Hell. The film was universally panned by critics and movie-goers who are NOT thirteen year-old girls, but that won’t stop the movie from blowing past the $100M mark anyways. Many other horrendous movies have pulled this feat as well, some because of hype and high expectations, some because they were riding on the coattails of better movies, and some because they starred Will Smith. Here are the fifteen worst movies that have made the most money at the box office, and yeah I know it’s a matter of opinion, but I always happen to be right.
15) The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps (2000) – $123,309,890
Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny? It rings a distant bell…
I’m going to try to stay away from sequels in this list as much as possible, because they usually make so much money by luring people who liked the older, better movies into watching them. However, the first Nutty Professor was marginal at best, and the sequel was a fatsuit farting fest that’s known today as one of the worst examples of lowest common denominator comedy.
14) Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)– $131,168,070
“If you tell 20 friends to see this movie, I’ll get this shirt wet.” Wait, James? Is that you?
Is this the highest grossing video game movie ever? I think it might be. Unfortunately the entire profit was made purely on the fact that guys wanted to see their long-held fantasy fleshed out by one of the most gorgeous women in the world. The film also marks the point where Angelina began her transformation from “crazy” to “sexy.”
13) Anger Management (2003) – $135,645,823
Please explain what’s happening here.
Everyone had high hopes for this comedy which featured Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson yelling at each other, but I’ll be damned if I ever her two good words about this movie. And while researching this list, do you have any idea how many Adam Sandler movies have made over $100M? I think eight. That’s insane, and I guess what you’d call a “fan base.”
12) Godzilla (1998) – $136,314,294
Yeah, alright, this is from the video game. But the graphics are about the same anyways.
Yes, the Matthew Broderick one. It’s obscene that this made $50 million more than the vastly superior Cloverfield, but I guess that’s what brand recognition is for. This is the first of the big budget remakes that made an incredible amount of money despite sucking just because of the franchise’s storied history. At least it wasn’t Godzilla 2000 though.
11) Rush Hour 3 (2007) – $140,125,968
I’ve never seen one picture sum up a movie so well.
I know, I know. I’m trying to stay away from sequels, I really am, but I had to call out Rush Hour 3. The first two were pretty damn funny, but for the third, Brett Ratner clearly needed six years to figure out how to strip out any remaining intelligence from the series in order to produce this obligatory third chapter. One of the laziest pieces of filmmaking I’ve ever seen.
10) XXX (2002) – $142,109,382
“Oh, the tribal tattoo? Yeah, it turns a lot of people on.”
This one was hard to put on the list, because I love XXX, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a terrible, terrible movie. Vin Diesel as Xander Cage rail-grinding on dinner trays, snowboarding through avalanches and stealing cars with Tony Hawk makes for one of the most absurd “action” movies ever made.
9) Wild Hogs (2007) – $168,273,550
People underestimate the appeal of the Tool Man.
What??? I was stunned to see this anywhere near the top 500 all-time grosser list, much less this high up. I guess this made so much money for the same reason Ghost Rider made $45 million it’s opening weekend, America loves motorcycles…and Tim Allen.
8 ) Planet of the Apes (2001) – $180,011,740
“Really, you’re a slave girl? I produce Entourage.”
Another craptastic big budget remake, except this one was hyped beyond belief before it was released. And really, it could have been good with Tim Burton behind the helm, but somewhere between awkward monkey face makeup and Mark Wahlberg, everything that made the original good got lost. Also, I still don’t understand the end. Why was there a monkey Abraham Lincoln?
7) The Day After Tomorrow (2004) – $186,740,799
What’s the big deal? This is how I feel during winter in New York.
God, normally I love a good Roland Emmerich disaster flick, but The Day After Tomorrow was an awful cheap trick. It tried to capitalize on the Al Gore global warming phenomenon, but the film was an unscientific grisly mess. Really, the whole world can freeze over tomorrow if I leave my AC on all night?
6) Pearl Harbor (2001) – $198,542,554
“In seven years I’ll be out of work and you’ll be a vampire.”
Hype, hype, hype, hype, hype. That’s why this absurdly budgeted movie made any money at all. Choosing two pillars of acting like Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett probably wasn’t the best route to go, nor was choosing the make a movie about the worst battle the US ever lost. There was an hour of a good movie in here, unfortunately the damn thing lasted for three.
5) Hancock (2008) – $227,946,275
“Yes, I did everything I could to save this movie. No, I am not responsible for the script edits, and…you know what? No further questions!”
This movie made me really sad, because while watching it I could easily see how it could have been amazing. Unfortunately a plot schism and too many PG-13 cutbacks completely neutered the project, so much so that even Will Smith couldn’t save it. Fortunately his hilarity filled trailers were enough to make this movie an absurd amount of money.
4) Signs (2002) – $227,966,634
“What do you mean this stuff covers 75% of this planet? Who did the research for this invasion? Man, I am going to #$^#ing kill Zogbar…”
The beginning of the end for M. Night Shyamalan. His first two projects were brilliant, and even 4/5ths of this movie was, but it has to go down as one of the worst endings for a film ever written. WATER?!? What if it $@%#ing rained when the aliens attacked? Did anyone ever consider that?
3) I Am Legend (2007) – $ 256,393,010
“Oh no, a horribly rendered CGI monster, what ever will I do?”
Here Will Smith carries another horrible movie to the promised land thanks to a well shot trailer. And like Hancock, tragically the film could have been great, if it had decided to stay anywhere remotely close to the original script draft. They even shot a damn alternate ending that would have made the thing 50% better, but the test audiences didn’t like it. Boo hoo.
2) Meet the Fockers (2004) – $279,261,160
What’s the opposite of an erection?
What? Where did this come from? I know everyone liked Meet the Parents, but come on, $280M for this nonsense? I guess everyone’s parents love Barbara Streisand enough to see her acting for the first time in eight years. Can anyone remember just one joke from this movie, one?
1) Spiderman 3 (2007) – $336,530,303
“Oh yeah! I hope Mary Jane bought her tickets….to the GUN SHOW!”
Yes, I’m ending with a sequel, but it’s the worst offender of all. The first two Spidermans (Spidermen?) were exercises in Sam Raimi’s brilliance, but for the third one I’m fairly certain he handed over directing duties to Brett Ratner, because that’s the only way to explain the amount of singing and dancing in this allegedly dark movie. Three too many villains, two too many musical outbursts, and one too many emo haircuts.
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