At this point, the whole Aliens vs. Predator thing has been done to death.  The first comic book series was phenomenal, but the movie?  Eh, not so much.  The R-rated sequel was far worse than the first, too.  If a movie featuring aliens and Predators is crappy, then you’ve really done something wrong.  I mean, it’s pretty tough to screw up that concept.  That said, we’re not even gonna try.  Instead, we’re going to pit Dutch’s badass team from Predator against the hardcore Space Marines from Aliens in a big, nasty Battle Royale.  Keep reading to see who wins:

Round 1 - Major Dutch Schaefer vs. Gunnery Sergeant Apone

Right off the bat, we have the leaders of their respective teams squaring off.  Technically, Lt. Gorman has rank over Apone, but Gorman isn’t much of a fighter and appears to sit out some of the more dangerous missions.  Dutch is gigantic, strong as an ox, and years of serving in the military have given him a mastery of a variety of weapons and his surroundings.  Apone is no pushover, but Dutch is the perfect soldier.  Dutch wins this one pretty easily.  He went hand-to-hand with a Predator and lived; Apone was slaughtered by the first wave of alien warriors.

Winner: Dutch (1-0, Dutch’s Team)

Round 2 - Dillon vs. Ripley

Both Dillon and Ripley pull some rank, but neither are actually members of their respective teams.  Dillon was Dutch’s former teammate before working for the CIA, and Ripley was a consultant of sorts for the Space Marines.  Either way, they’re invloved in this Battle Royale, so fight to the death they shall!  Dillon has lost a step from his days as a teammate of Dutch’s, as evidenced by Mac’s threats to “bleed him” after Dillon stumbles during their mission.  Ripley, on the other hand, is the biggest badass chick not named Sarah Connor Samus Aran.  She’s survived hordes of aliens and even fought a Queen.  Dillon has obviously got the advantage in strength, but Ripley’s grit and instinct put her over the top.  Maybe in his prime Dillon would have stood a chance, but not anymore.

Winner: Ripley (1-1 tie)

Round 3 - Blaine vs. Hicks

Relishing any chance to cause destruction and mayhem, Blaine comes equipped with chewing tobacco and a lethal minigun.  Corporal Hicks is a lot more laid back, but don’t let his calm demeanor lead you to think he’s any less dangerous.  If Hicks’ pulse rifle isn’t getting the job done, he’ll pull out his sawed-off shotgun, especially for “close encounters.”  This is more than just a battle of artillery, though, and Hicks’ discipline gives him the edge over the sometimes careless Blaine.  There’ll be plenty of time for bleeding.

Winner: Hicks (2-1, Space Marines)

Round 4 - Billy vs. Hudson

This seems to be the first major mismatch of the Battle Royale.  (Ohhh, but Madison, you set the matchups!  Waaaaa!  I know.  Shut up.) Native American Billy has a sixth sense of some kind and is able to feel the presence of the Predator before anyone else has even seen it.  Hudson, on the other hand, spends most of his time complaining and when he does engage in combat, it’s in a reckless, overzealous manner.  Billy guts Hudson like a pig in far less than 17 days.

Winner: Billy (2-2, tie)

Round 5 - Mac vs. Vasquez

Speaking of pig-gutting, that’s just what Mac managed to do in Predator when a boar invaded his team’s camp.  Mac is proficient in setting traps and is stealthy enough to spy on his camouflaged alien enemy.  Vasquez is about as tough as a woman can be, and managed to kill an alien with only a handgun.  Still, she’s no Ripley, and loses a good fight to Mac.  “Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?” “No, have you?”

Winner: Mac (3-2, Dutch’s Team)

Round 6 - Anna vs. Burke

Not exactly members of their respective teams (what, you want me to use Hawkins and Drake?), Anna is a guerilla fighter taken prisoner at Dillon’s insistence, and Burke a corporate executive who planned to let facehuggers impregnate Ripley and Newt.  Burke is a wimpy worm at his core, but Anna has shown her resourcefulness and guile, nearly escaping from Dutch’s team of trained soldiers.  If Burke doesn’t have anyone around to do his dirty work for him, Anna takes him out without too much effort.

Winner: Anna (4-2, Dutch’s Team)

And there you have it - Dutch’s team prevails over the Space Marines!  I said to my girlfriend, “You know, I’d like a little pussy.”  She said, “Me too!  Mine’s as big as a house!”

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