Just based on how much money this movie made, I’m guessing you’ve seen Transformers.  Did you like it?  Did you manage to get through the whole movie without rolling your eyes?  Did you feel like your intelligence was constantly insulted and that Michael Bay had launched a cinematic jihad against common sense?  Transformers, for all its success and special effects, is a steaming turd of a movie.  It’s a shame, too, because I really wanted to like it.  Keep reading to learn why Transformers sucks:

I’d let her pee on me, but she’s not enough to save this movie.

OK, let’s get three things out of the way before I start ranting.  First, I acknowledge that Megan Fox is about as hot as a woman can physically be.  Watching her on screen is a redeeming quality of this movie, but unfortunately, it’s just not enough.  Besides, it’s not like you can whip it out and start feeding the ducks in the middle of the theater without facing some serious consequences.  I learned that the hard way after Good Will Hunting.

No thanks, I’ll take Snake Eyes and Skeletor.

Second, I’m not going to whine about Michael Bay ruining my childhood.  Whatever.  I liked Transformers a lot when I was a kid, but they weren’t my favorite.  I was a G.I. Joe/He-Man kind of kid, so even if Bay did butcher my memories of Transformers, I really wouldn’t have cared too much.  It’s possible to make some changes to the source material and still make a good movie.  This has nothing to do with defecating on nostalgia.  Finally, for those of you who may say, “Jeez, Madison, it’s just supposed to be a fun summer movie,” well, it’s possible to make fun summer movies that don’t stereotype characters and play into every type of thematic cliche imaginable.  Part of a “fun” summer movie is that the “fun” doesn’t involve blades of stupidity stabbing my cerebral cortex.

Standing post at a military base in South Jersey.

Alright, so what did I particularly hate about Transformers?  Where should I start?  Early in the movie, we’re shown a U.S. military base in Qatar.  On the screen, we can read the text, “Qatar – Middle East.”  Ohhhh, thanks.  I was pretty sure the base was in Qatar, Rhode Island, so it’s good that Michael Bay was nice enough to clear that up for me.  Then again, I have a feeling I’m not the type of person (e.g., one with a triple-digit IQ) toward which this movie was marketed.

This would have been more tolerable than the Indian operator.

A bit later in the movie, Army Captain William Lennox, in the heat of battle, tries to call the Pentagon for reinforcements.  The call is picked up by an Indian operator, who calmly and in an Indian accent that would make Apu Nahasapeemapetilon blush, tells Lennox that he’ll need a credit card.  After the initial hilarity, Lennox gives the operator a credit card number, and the operator asks him if he’d be interested in a premium package.  So, not only do we get an awesome stereotype of an Indian (I guess it’s cool to make fun of them), we get a HILARIOUS joke in the middle of all the action.  See, Lennox is in battle, so a premium credit card package is not real high on his priority list.  Good God, that is f*cking funny.  I mean, really, I was expecting giant robots fighting, but this is like the second coming of Animal House.  If you can’t pick up on my sarcasm, you may have enjoyed Transformers.  At this point of the movie, I crapped my pants on purpose.  I shifted around in my seat, too, so that the log would break and the theater audience could enjoy nasally what I was experiencing visually and auditorally.

You don’t f*ck with the Jesus.

What next?  How about more hijinks, this time courtesy of John Turturro.  I normally like Turturro (O Brother, Where Art Thou?, The Big Lebowski, even He Got Game), but I think he was labotomized sometime in 2006.  As Sector 7 agent Reggie Simmons, Turturro believes all the alien robots to be hostile and directs his energy toward capturing Bumblebee.  Soon, though, Bumblebee is rescued and Simmons is forced to strip – revealing his Sector 7 undershirt and matching boxers.  Look, I know it’s supposed to be light, but Jesus effin Christ, come the f*ck on.  I know these aren’t major plot devices, but if you sprinkle enough of this crap throughout the movie, the whole thing is going to stink.  Whose idea was this?  I’m guessing Bay’s.  Remember, we’re talking about a guy who told Scarlett Johansson that she couldn’t go topless in The Island.  Oh, and the laughs keep coming: Bumblebee then leaks fluid on Simmons’ head, and it looks like he’s peeing!  OMFGLOLKILLMENOWPLEASE.

Uh, sure, why not?

Alright, you know what?  I can’t keep going.  The trauma has forced me to block a lot of this out, and my shrink says it’s a good idea if I just leave these memories behind.  For the sake of my health and yours, I’ll just briefly mention that the U.S. government hid a frozen Megatron in the Hoover Dam, sort of like how the U.S. government hid alien corpses in Area 51 in ID4.  Original?  Nope.  Clever?  Not at all.  Really lazy and stupid?  Certainly.  I might as well also mention the scene where the Autobots – giant, high-tech, robots who are fighting for their very existence – are mindful enough to try and avoid stepping on Sam’s mom’s garden.  That made sense. 

I’m going to make a turd *THIS* big!

I actually like Shia LeBeouf, and I’ve tried to watch this movie again, but I can’t.  It’s too painful.  For the life of me, I will never understand how movies like Transformers are so successful.  Well, I get why they make money, I just don’t get how people can enjoy them.  Transformers is predictable the whole way through (what, you didn’t think Sam would somehow manage to destroy Megatron AND spare Optimus Prime?), and Bay’s use of “humor” only drags the movie down to a level far below watchable.  The only good things in this movie are Megan Fox and the fact that Starscream lives.  I’m pretty sure I’ll see the sequel if I don’t have a root canal or something else at that time.

Rule.

As always, if you disagree, comment below and let me know.  Name-calling and personal attacks are encouraged.