As I will be traveling to visit family for the holidays, I thought it entirely apropos to give the final update and interpretation on the current status of our impending ‘Mayan Doom’ scheduled to take place at 2:03 pm (MST) on December 21, 2012.
It’s nice to know that, despite annihilation, we may still have something to look forward to in the years ahead.
As prophesied by Mayan grand masters nearly twelve thousand years ago, Kim Kardashian’s popularity plummeted this week as the spritely archer / actress Jennifer Lawrence took the top spot in AskMen.com’s “Most Desirable Women of 2013.”
For the record, Jennifer Lopez’s appeal also took a major hit, leading current Mayan prognosticator Shep Bouffard-Menendez to speculate that, should the stars align but somehow allow us to survive, the popularity of badonkadonks will decline in the coming year.
Also, Twilight came crashing to its bitter end, bringing about a profitable if not predictably wooden conclusion to the vampire-meets-werewolves-meets-bad-acting teen love saga.
Fans of Kristen Stewart will soon be able to immortalize their favorite Kristen Stewart expression in wood when Hasbro’s new educational toy – the Kristen Stewart Whittling Block – launches at a Toys’R’Us near you. As predicted by those informed Mayans, it’s expected to retail for $12.99 and come complete with a twelve-inch hunk of pine, carving knife, and an 8×10 glossy of “Bella Swan” herself.
Furthermore, reality programming continues its nefarious assault on our senses with the latest foray, Duck Dynasty, serving as a veritable ratings giant for the A&E Network.
Indeed, Quetzalcoatl himself warned about the emergence of Honey Boo Boo as the principle trigger for our current apocalypse. Seeing as the Mayan deity had already successfully predicted the rise of German Fascism as well as the career of Carrot Top, folks should continue to stock up on foodstuffs, beaver pelts, and ammunition much the same as the cast & crew of Doomsday Preppers suggest.
And, last but not least, no true ‘Day of Reckoning’ would be complete without an examination of developments within the British Royal Family.
Mayan scribes wrote: the bonny boy-king is joined. This has been popularly attributed to the nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Experts further claim the stanza – their merriment will be absolved – suggests Middleton’s resulting pregnancy. Lastly, the mountains will be cast out in ink quite probably refers Middleton’s nude but out-of-focus areolas appearing on the cover of a popular Danish magazine.
Should Kate and William’s unborn child bear “the face of the serpent,” “the hide of the oak,” or “the ear of the elephant,” I think it’s safe to conclude that we can all pack it in.
Certainly, I (and my sponsor, Unreality Magazine) remind readers that no single event is ever intended to signal the demise of our planet.
Rather, it’s all of these predicted developments working in concert that spell the closing stages of mankind as we know. If they don’t, then those pesky Mayans didn’t know beans about the end of civilization, an assertion that the History Channel has proven demonstrably false in the second season finale of Ancient Aliens.
As the Boy Scouts warn, so do we: always be prepared, folks.
I’ll see you in 2013.
Or I won’t.