How to Turn Boys into Men (With Comics!)

by TJ Fink

Over the past six months, I’ve developed a keen interest in mentoring our nation’s youth. This might come as a surprise to some, of course, since I’m generally an awful influence on anyone under the age of 36. However, that doesn’t mean I’m content sitting by and watching humanity’s future march its way into the gutter. My eyeballs drink in the commuters of NYC during my daily travels, and you know what I see beneath those shiny Stuart Hughes suits or trendily layered polos? The casual observer might call these guys men, but they’re not. They’re too soft. No, these are man-boys: old enough for adulthood, but not man enough to go toe-to-toe with an angry grizzly.

“Should I lie down and play dead or just glare at it seductively…?”

How exactly are we supposed to survive the robot uprising of 2043 when the supposedly masculine half of our species has stronger hair gel than biceps? No, we have to nip this trend in the bud; we have to get back to our manly roots. I’m talking about the brand of man we had back in the 1950s:

“You’ve sullied my date for the last time, jungle cat!”

That’s the stuff. This man’s reaction to danger is a pungent mixture of violent rage and reflexive action—exactly the attributes we should cultivate in today’s adolescents if we expect them to rescue their yet-unborn children from those damn, dirty robots!

Very few people agree with my opinions on this matter, for some reason, which places a lot of responsibility on my broad, hairy shoulders. But so far, my contribution to this nation’s youth is simply weeping for them during Toddlers and Tiaras commercials. Time to accomplish something more substantial.

Enter the Boys & Girls Club of America. Thanks to an astoundingly low number of felonies on my part, I breezed right through their Big Brother application process. In no time I was green-lit to get my hands on the girliest boys I could find (don’t announce stuff like this in public; it requires more explanation than you’d think). I’d mold them into manly men like so many mounds of glistening clay (another phrase you shouldn’t announce).

They’re glisteny, yes, but what greasy teen isn’t?

For the sake of posterity, I decided to document the first of what’s sure to be many successful interactions with my ad-hoc broski. They let me call him that, I checked.

I’m about to meet Derek for the first time in his school’s rec center, and my palms are already sweating with excitement. Payin’ it forward, baby, this is what it’s all about. Recognizing his freckled mug from the picture I was e-mailed, I find Derek reading quietly by himself in the corner. Reading?? This man-date is off to a bad start already. I’m soon put at ease, however, when I recognize he’s reading a Superman comic book. Whew. That’s normal boy stuff.

“Hey there, you must be Derek. I’m TJ, your new Big Brother.” I hold out my hand for a firm shake that never comes.

“Hi, TJ.” Derek doesn’t look up while greeting me, and no eye contact is a sign of weakness. But OK, I just need to identify with him, get myself down to his level.

“Well nice to meet you, bud. Whatcha readin’?” I flash my signature teeth-baring smile (showing the teeth establishes dominance, you see).

“Awesome to meet youuuu!”

“Just Superman,” Derek flatly responds. Clearly I’ll be doing all the work today.

“Superman, huh?” I prod. “Dude, I loved Superman when I was your age. Heck, when I was six I thought those sweet pajamas with the cape would make me fly! They didn’t, though. The doctor said I bruised my sternum. So, uh, don’t…try that.”

Derek looks at me condescendingly. “I’m 12.”

“Right. Well what’s the Man of Steel up to these days? He used to kick some serious fanny back in my day.”

“He’s walking across America and helping people without using any of his powers. He’s grounded.”

Grounded? Like someone gave him a timeout? I nearly choke on my own tongue.

“It’s kind of cool, actually. In this issue, he’s playing basketball with a bunch of kids. They’re bullying this one kid, but he scores a basket on Superman and they kind of accept him now.” Derek mistakes frozen disbelief for reserved fascination and holds the comic up for me to see.

Similar Posts

9 Comments

  1. Genuine laugh out loud moments in this piece. And props for giving comics some love! Glad I am not the only one preparing for our inevitable overtaking at the hands of power hungry robots.

  2. I’m doin’ my part. I have tought my kids: grappling combatives, fire arms, dagger fighting, archery, and “chemistery.” I’m als o a student of historical fencing using longsword, shortsword, polearms, and sword and buckler.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.